Memorize (Book One)

* In Hell With Epos *

It's hard to know how much good is left in you, when you have reached the heights of hatred and betrayal. Considering that an ounce of benevolence might be left in your blood, when you loathe yourself, isn't an option.

Jay's words had propulsed Epos into an instant maze of memories. Those very memories GloCo had probably allowed him to keep, to help turn him into an incurable monster.

Remember the Trial? Remember Evan.

Very simple words for a very simple truth: I'm a bastard. I have blood on my hands, the very blood I should have protected with my own life. Deep down I know I'm much, much worse than Aura. He failed through love, I messed up for self-interest. I don't think there's a heaven anywhere, I don't believe in anything at all. I know I don't deserve any forgiveness, I'll never beg for it. If there's something good somewhere, it's not for me. I keep digging for more pain. I think maybe, maybe the pain will numb the pain. Maybe in the end I won't feel anything anymore.

I've become the best keeper of the law, the most efficient guardian of B24. I've sent innocents to death. I have declared the termination of people who might have been saved. I know the protection of the colony, the dedication to peace and the obliteration of pain aren't sufficient to justify what I've done. I've fallen hard, I've fallen low.

I detest human beings.

I detest myself.

Keeping memories is a burden. I wish mine had been erased. I wish I had that innocent, careless life they all have here. I hate them, I hate their guts. My head's full of poison and my heart's bursting with rage. I used to loathe Starling's happy nature. I wanted him dead. My wish should be granted now... Yet as darkness is finally reclaiming him, I wonder...

Yes, it's making me happy to see Aura agonizing. So, so deeply happy. Watching Starling suffer brings me relief. Having that Jay guy killed will take me seconds, and it'll feel so good... Yet I'm wondering.

Why am I wondering? Is there something still alive in me? No, it can't be.

I see their faces. I remember every word they said. I remember who initiated this: I did, with all my might. Without hesitation, not at that time. I summoned the Retrievers. I spoke in the name of GloCo. Maintaining peace. Eradicating opposition. During the Rebellion, they were all judged. Condemned. And either terminated or reconditionned and sent to another colony. Most of them were a perfect support for top-notch experiments.

Evan didn't even get an opportunity to be reconditionned. He was a First-born, and he deserved every chance to have a new, better life. Why he had such a rebellious mind, I don't know. I didn't care. All I wanted was power. He was my chance. My stepladder. We wanted different worlds. He wanted to fight for ideals and illusions... Freedom. I craved for recognition.

I got what I wanted. He didn't. That's all.

"Epos. Please. Please. You can't let them take me. You're the Governor."

"You're a risk for our community. You betrayed all we've been striving to build. You're a threat to our system."

"But I'm your brother!"

"I can't let you ruin everything. You've been judged, Evan."

"I demand re-examination. You're losing your mind. Don't you see we're losing our humanity, Epos!?"

"There's a price to pay for everything."

Evan was really young still. His real, original, natural youth. He was passionate and somehow, he didn't abide by the law. GloCo considered he was a threat. And I didn't protect him. I didn't want to lose a chance to remain the leader of B24. Not even when they declared termination was the best solution. I could have saved him, yet I didn't.

I know what they did to him. I know how GloCo terminates human beings. Not a very common practice, but one I allowed many times. Without flinching. Every death bringing me intense satisfaction.

Hatred is a drug.

Evan had become a symbol of what had to be avoided at all cost. Aura warned me against this. Aura and his good heart. Well, he took that young boy and pretended he was his father. He, too lost his soul. He, too, lied and betrayed.

I'm not the only one in hell.

But he didn't kill. He didn't abandon his brother.

I did. I remember it all, and every day is a suicide by reminiscence. I recall his face, and I often dream it is me instead of him. I scream. I shout. I call out to my brother: I know he's going to help me. He's not a bad person. I know him. I know he's not a soulless murderer. I cry. I see a darkness I never thought possible. I feel the end coming. I fight and struggle, kick and scratch until they finally hit me with the Extinguisher.

That's when I feel my heart explode. That's when I feel I still have a heart. And it bleeds, and it beats, and it screams in my chest. It wants to kill and die and live.

I am sorry, Evan.