The Marionette • Chuuya X Reader

12. Spirals

Chuuya opens the door to the party hall, standing in front of you with his cheeks rosy from all the drinking, the bright lights from inside the room casting shadows from behind, his blue eyes landing on you with confusion. The way he calls out your name is soft, questioning your sickly state with concern, his eyes squinting to concentrate on you properly as his vision is slightly impaired from the alcohol. On the other hand, as soon as you see Chuuya, you can't help but step away, remembering the instructions you had been given.

"...not a word to anyone..."

"Are you crying?" Chuuya suddenly blurts out, staggering forward and taking your shoulder before you can turn away, you not realizing that tears were indeed running down your cheeks as your heart is buried in thorns. Taking in a sharp breath, your eyes fall down to Chuuya's hand on your shoulder, your mind replaying Dazai's touch instead, the look in his eyes...

Was I never worth caring for?

Can I hope...?

Immediately, you push Chuuya's hand off of you, your head hurting as you remind yourself of the smugness in Dazai's voice, free of guilt, free of true suffering; the sorrow he put you through unforgettable, the first meeting after four years making you question the reality around you. You don't want anyone else to touch you and hurt you the way Dazai continuously does...you don't want to idiotically grow attached to the idea of someone else again. After all, isn't that what a stupid marionette would do? Attached to the puppet master though mistreated...

You watch as hurt flashes across Chuuya's blue eyes when you push him away, his hat falling off from the force he hadn't been expecting from you. Irritation clear on his face now, you try to just walk away, everything feeling like some sort of nightmarish fever dream.

"Hey! What the hell was that for?!" Chuuya's words are slightly slurred, his exclamation sounding more offended than actually angry as he follow you and steps in front of you, arms crossed in front of his chest, leaning in to you as you have to stop abruptly, putting your hands in front of you defensively, thinking for a second he was going to get aggressive.

"What are you doing?" You ask, taking a step back, waves of emotion rampaging inside you as Chuuya halts your process of putting yourself together, your heart now doing spins as you watch all his subtle expressions change at the sights of you.

"What happened?"

"What?"

"You look terrible. What happened?" Chuuya keeps insisting, and though you know he means well, you aren't sure why you feel so much anger inside.

The feeling is like non other you've ever felt. While you were heartbroken a few moments ago, the void of emotional agony in you had turned into a a wildfire of internal rage as soon as Chuuya asks you what's happened and you can't actually answer the question. Your whole life, you'd been used to forcing yourself to not feel; your life revolved on you having control of every small reaction, whether it was to not get in trouble at the orphanage, to not provoke some of Mori's tendencies, then to keep Dazai's approval, gain praise...but now, ever since Chuuya's taken you as his subordinate, your old habits have been backfiring everywhere, they have been questioned more than before.

You don't know anything. All you are certain of, however, is that you are hurt, and everything you worked for seemed to explode in your face just now.

"You know what, Chuuya? Leave me alone. I'm tired of all the rules I have to follow, I'm tired of answering to people, so no, I won't answer to you right now. Get out of my way." You snap.

For the first time in a long time, your voice is strong and steady, engrossed in indignation. You hold your head up high, your eyes narrowed and meeting Chuuya's turning into ice. Nonetheless, the executive doesn't move, his irises with confusion slowly sowing in as if he's been faced with an impossible puzzle mixed with him trying to fight the wine's intoxication from the party.