The Marionette • Chuuya X Reader

34: Secrets

After your encounter with Dazai, exhaustion you hadn't acknowledged before grows heavier on you, the beauty of the sunset with the colder day becoming dull to your eyes, your mind fixated on Dazai's words as you worry about the meaning behind them. Though you try to put the pieces of the puzzle together, all you know is that you're going to have to see him again, he didn't have to say so for you to know.

You'd been used by his mind too many times. At the present moment though, you feel it's still your fault for not being able to rid yourself of him completely.

Now arriving at Port Mafia headquarters, you feel your whole body wanting to collapse, the world around you feeling like an inaudible blur, head pounding with your hands having nothing to hold on to to stable yourself with. Upon entering the building, the lobby relatively empty except for some attack force men heading towards the armoury clearly just coming back from your mission with Akutagawa as well, Higuchi walks up to you with a folder in her hand stopping you in your path.

"[f/n], Akutagawa has informed me to give you this so you can fill it out and report it yourself-"

"Where's Chuuya?" You interrupt her, pushing the file back to her when she reaches to give it to you, your eyes hazy, Higuchi's face contorting to confusion.

"Excuse me?"

"Chuuya. Where is he?" You repeat, your previously meek tone stronger and more forceful.

"Um...Executive Nakahara's whereabouts are neither of our businesses-"

"So you don't know?"

"...no. But why does it matter right now? You have an order from Akutagawa-"

"Akutagawa doesn't get to tell me what to do. Not if he won't even listen to me, so now I'm looking for Chuuya." You step away from Higuchi, pushing past her to go up the elevator, your annoyance rising, your head still spinning.

"[f/n]! You can't just do whatever you want!" Higuchi yells after you, trying to get you to turn back and listen to her, but all it does is push a button inside you.

"I know that." You say softly, though you doubt she can hear you as your hand presses on the elevator button to go up, your finger lingering on the cold metal before letting your arm drop beside you, glancing back at Higuchi apologetically.

I never have been able to.

I just want to see Chuuya now.

I need...I need to assure myself everything Dazai's said isn't true.

With the elevator opening, you walk in and watch the doors close, you being the only one in there allowing you to give yourself a moment to breathe, head leaning back on the wall behind you, eyes closing and heart rate gradually slowing down. You try to picture Chuuya's face in the silence of the ride up to keep yourself calm, the way his fire-like hair falls around his face and his blue eyes glow when he talks to you, the way his arms feel around you...

Being with Chuuya has let you feel all sorts of joys you hadn't felt before, and as frustrated as you'd get sometimes trying to be his and only his while tkme was something both of you had less of, you wouldn't want things to be different. He keeps you grounded as he heals your damaged soul.

But am I too far gone and neither of us know?

Do I mean the same to him?

Finally, the elevator reaches the floor with your room and you walk out with a sigh. Though you wanted to find Chuuya as soon as possible, your clothes were still dirty from the mission and your skin still felt filthy from Dazai's touch.

•••

You had been offered to get your own apartment outside of headquarters now that you had no business staying in your Port Mafia room, but you respectfully declined the offer when you realized the chances of running into Dazai would increase. You hadn't wanted to risk him finding you any sooner.

Since you were re-instated, the room hadn't changed, the names on your wall remaining untouched, everything perfectly in place as if someone didn't actually live there, the only time anything was actually out of place being if Chuuya was there too.

Now, you stand in front of your mirror fresh out of the shower, the clothes with blood on it burned, your current outfit a pair of comfortable, maroon jeans and a long, black turtleneck sweat shirt, your trench coat over top while your hair rests down. After a lot of thinking, you had decided you'd go out for the evening and stroll around the city to bask in the last of the day's sunlight while letting the cold wind nip at your face.

It was also the only way to keep you distracted from thoughts of Dazai from poisoning you, considering you still hadn't heart from Chuuya.

Walking out of your room, facing the windows belonging to the corridor with a weak smile as you watch the golden rays dim out, you let out a deep breath and make your way down the same elevator that brought you up in the first time, heart still aching to see the one person that made everything worth it for you.

Once you're back in the lobby, no one in sight, you don't hesitate to walk out the doors, the air hitting you through a gust of wind, the autumn atmosphere causing a flutter in your stomach with excitement of feeling like proper human being. Due to never being let out as a child, after facing the fear and sorrowful memories it came with, you never wasted any time in being outside, though you did prefer the company of-

"Where are you going?"

Heart sinking with agitation the moment before you recognized the low voice, you whip around as Chuuya takes hold of your wrist gently and he pulls you to him while you step closer anyways subconsciously. Your eyes meeting his, your tensed body relaxes, blood rushing to your cheeks as your noses almost touch, his mouth turned up into a smirk when he catches your surprise to see him.

"Chuuya." You breathe out his name in an almost relieved sigh, your own face brightening up.

"I heard you were looking for me."

There's cheeky arrogance about the way he says that to you as you take in the executive's natural beauty against the fall setting, the end of the day's light and shadows highlighting him in all the right ways; of maybe it was just your joy in seeing him that made it look that way to you.

"I was." you nod, looking him up and down still.

I was going crazy.

"I just really needed to see you." You add after a few seconds of comfortable silence, pushing away your embarrassment to push his hand away and hug him instead, burying your head in his shoulder, only feeling safe when he quizzically but surely puts his arms around you too.

"Did something happen?"

When the question is asked, your immediate thought is to confess everything, to unburden your heart with the day's events, yet as you open your mouth to do so, nothing comes out, and you realize it's your repulsion of those same events that is stopping you. You feel your heart panic, the resentment you hold for yourself increasing when you decide not to bother Chuuya.

He told me to forgive him.

"No."

"Are you sure?"

He kept touching me.

"Yes."

Would you understand? They keep telling me no one understands.

I don't want to burden you, Chuuya.

I don't want you to love me less.

I don't want you to feel disgust towards me.

"The bastards made it sound like y-"

Leaning back and taking hold of his face, you interrupt him by placing your lips on his with new desperation, your eyes closed as his flutter down in surprise, heart rate spiking up.

Just kiss me.