The Marionette • Chuuya X Reader

39: Pining

"You fucking what?"

Chuuya takes a sharp breath in, stepping away from you as he pushes your hand off him, his brows furrowing and his blue eyes gazing with disbelief and hurt. You stare back with fear in your eyes, hardly able to breathe as you hear the pain in his few words, your heart beating wildly as you suddenly regret being honest.

Wasn't this the right thing?

"I went to see Dazai. I don't want to hide things anymore." You tell him timidly, your eyes glancing at his hand holding and then letting go of your wrist forcefully, your hand wanting nothing more than to take it back and hold his in yours for reassurance.

"I told Akutagawa and Higuchi to watch over you because I wanted to make sure you were safe. You had been acting weird...I can't allow more people I'm supposed to protect get hurt. You don't tell me anything. This whole past month you've never wanted to talk about things, you only worry about pleasing me...I was worried, it wasn't just about loyalty. What did you do with Dazai?" Chuuya tries to calm himself down as he talks, but when he asks the last question, you can tell he wants to snap at you and yell though you aren't sure if it's pure disappointment and anger or if there's jealousy embedded in there too.

"I talked to him. That's all. I spent the night with him to talk and find some clarity in myself. I don't want to keep feeling so used."

"I'm going to kill Dazai. You...spent the night with that manipulative mackerel and you want me to believe nothing happened?"

"Why would I let anything happen?"

"Because last time you did."

"That was different. I'm not that person that hardly felt human at all anymore. I'm trying to make amends. I'm trying to do better!"

"Doing better was seeing Dazai? He makes life a living hell and you call that trying to do better? Why didn't you ever talk to me?!"

You hear the suffering in his question, the way the rain pours around the two of you drowning out the undertones of his broken heart though nothing protects you from his troubled ocean eyes looking more like ice towards you now.

He's holding back.

"What else do you want to ask me, Chuuya?"

"Nothing. Just answer me."

"Then don't hold back. This is why we never get anywhere."

This is why we're stuck in his loop.

"Why we never get anywhere? That's on you. I always ask, you always ignore every effort I make. Even before, you've always been so afraid of everything. It's annoying, I can't get rid of Dazai's presence even with you. Why don't you trust me? Are you afraid of me too? Would you prefer to be having fun with that bastard? Why did you even come running here in the rain if it was just to confess to all of this?." Chuuya rants, raising his voice as the wind outside becomes only stronger, his cheeks red, his frustration shown in the glimmer of his irises under the hurt and anger.

I'm annoying you?

"I told you I came to be honest with you so you wouldn't be given misleading facts about what I've been doing. I'm trying to show you I care about you that much! I've never been afraid of you, even when I've learned of your true power, even when I know you have all the resources to do whatever you want to me, I have never preferred being by Dazai's side than yours. Do you know what it's like having to break free from his shadow that's decided every aspect of my life? Did you ever try to understand that part of me too? I've been suffocating, Chuuya! It's not all just on me. What about you, executive Nakahara? What about how you have never tried to clarify what we have? Do I embarrass you? You tell me you love me, you make me feel good and I tell you I love you in return. I mean it. I thought you meant it too. I've always believed in who you are...but as far as I know I'm nothing but your play thing too that you have decided to keep around for your goddamn ego. I've told you I want you from the beginning, but what about what I need? Or are you too stupid to understand any of this too?"