The Marionette • Chuuya X Reader

38: Confession

Why do I keep making the same mistakes?

I get the exact same results each time I hold on to secrets I shouldn't be keeping.

So why?

"Is it my fault?" You ask Akutagawa wanting to hear the answer yourself, wanting to carry the weight of your sorrows tied to your puppet strings you never truly got rid of.

"It is." He replies curtly, rolling his eyes at the way you flinch at how he doesn't hesitate. It's what you wanted though isn't it?

"Don't you get tired of being controlled and not being aware of it?" Akutagawa then questions you when you don't do anything but stare up at him in grief, him covering his mouth for a cough in between.

"I...I thought I was doing what was best for both parties." You admit, stepping back from him and turning your head to the side, embarrassment written all over your face. It isn't a lie, you had always acted as you thought best; even if it's through your lack of trust and faith in yourself and the world around you, for the small happiness you had been able to achieve that felt like a fragile glass menagerie about to fall out of your hands. Hearing you, Akutagawa glances away for a moment as if a recovering a memory or a thought, looking back at you without an ounce of sympathy.

"Dazai always knows what he's doing, [f/n]. I've been underestimating your foolish stupidity. This is why you aren't trusted, not even by your precious executive."

Struck by his words, your mind replays the image of all the times you and Chuuya have fought, all the times you've asked for reassurance afterwards that he cares about you and loves you.

I can't be called foolish for what I needed.

"You know...I really wish you'd stop calling me all those degrading things. At least I've been trying to do better. I got it the first time, Akutagawa. It's my fault. I should have trusted Chuuya with certain things as an executive and more as I want to. I've dug a grave for myself now because I have to explain my actions. I get it. I've always been the fucking marionette of the Port Mafia. But I needed to see him again. How else am I supposed to move on? You hate me too much to help me in any way and still you criticize the moment I try to help myself. I want closure, Akutagawa. Don't you get tired of putting Dazai on a pedestal?"

I won't let you of all people blame me when you have faults similar to mine.

When you snapped at Akutagawa, all the guilt and anxious uncertainty gilded with the pain of your past mistakes combined into frustrated anger. You had wanted to confirm the blame you carry, but you were exhausted of hearing Akutagawa try to school you when he is no better than you are, fighting for some clarity in the abyss of your abused minds. All you wanted to think about now was how to tell Chuuya and confront him about sending you to be tailed out of distrust you now realize you rightfully deserve, not stand here and hear your supposed partner call you names to emphasize your imperfections that have been clear from the beginning.

I shouldn't lie to you anymore Chuuya. You deserve more from me.

With all the power of corruption you hold...I'm the only one that has displayed corrupted habits.

"Im tired of being in this never ending carousel." You mutter before letting out a deep breath, taking one last glance at Akutagawa before deciding to walk away, shivering under your still wet clothes; however, the dark haired mafioso behind you alters your plan by using his Rashomon to hold you back and force you to turn back to him. At first you think he's going to hurt you for your comments, but there is no rage in his eyes, no violent intent.

Just a grim shadow of acceptance.

"Your actions are always distasteful, but I don't hate you as much as I say. I refuse to have a pawn as a partner, so I need you to stop acting so weak...but I understand now." Akutagawa speaks to you with no emotion in his low voice, though something about his phrasing makes your heart jump in pleasant surprise mixed with a sadness you didn't expect.