The Marionette • Chuuya X Reader

22: Intermission

I won't lose Chuuya.

By the time the rain stops, Atsushi had already left due to some errand he had to run after getting a seemingly important phone call, leaving you with an apology, good wishes and a fully paid meal as promised. You had stayed in the restaurant on your own for a while after, a lot on your mind after talking with the young man. Now, with the sun peaking through the thick clouds still present in the evening sky, you realize that you should probably go back to headquarters to avoid any other questions; though you doubt that anyone would be looking for you now.

I need to go after him.

With a sigh, you get up from your isolated table and walk out of the warmth of the restaurant, leaving the pleasant smells and the sound of happy chatter behind as you walk back out in to the streets still filled with puddles from the heavy rain. Walking back, you try to calm down your nerves of facing Chuuya again, though it hardly works as your guilt only grows and weighs down on your shoulders the more you think about what you're supposed to say to him. You shouldn't have opened your mouth about what happened with Dazai. It only hurt Chuuya; and for what? You aren't even sure what came over you in those few moments with him. Granted, you also never got an explanation as to why he got so mad if nothing was ever expressed or established. You were only assuming he thought the same as you.

I'm still assuming.

Walking up the Port Mafia headquarter's front stairs before entering the building, you hesitate to walk in only to shake your head and force yourself to stop overthinking every detail since that's what caused you to be in this predicament in the first place. Entering the building, you ignore everything around you, the only goal in your head to find the executive and confront him as Atsushi had sweetly encouraged you to without understanding. Striding through the halls, you continuously work on building your courage and picking your words carefully before taking the elevator up to Chuuya's office, but by the time you reach the front door of his office, your heart is pounding in your chest, your hand shaking as it hovers over the wooden door meaning to knock on it and no words come to mind. With a deep breath in, you move to knock on the door, only to have it open up before you get to knock, almost causing you to trip in surprise, Chuuya standing right in front of you with a just as equally surprised look on his face.

"What are you doing?" He asks, and you can see the confliction in his eyes as he immediately steps away from you, holding the door and raising a brow as you stand there with your eyes glued on him, trying to force words out.

"I'm here to apologize." You reply, straightening yourself up and relaxing your shoulders as you look away from his judgemental gaze.

"Are you? Or are you here to keep talking about Dazai?"

Unimpressed and trying to move past you as he closes the door to his office meaning to leave, you quickly move in front of Chuuya and place a hand on his chest, stopping him from moving any further.

"Listen to me...please."

Closing his eyes for a moment and then sighing loudly, Chuuya steps back and moves your arm away from him, crossing his arms in front of his chest with a gentle tilt of his head signalling you to continue.

"I never chose Dazai over you, I never meant to. You both are far from similar to me; he was just always there for almost my entire life. Every morning, every afternoon, every night, he was the only person that I knew other than Mori. I thought he had saved me. In part, I still believe that. When Dazai kissed me, I was trying to make sense of everything. You don't know what it's like to have a version of yourself drilled inside your mind so much that as soon as you're given the chance to cut those strings always used to control that self...it's confusing. I was confused. I'm sorry..."