Irrefutable Certainties

Chapter 12

Hermione POV

When Draco and I got back together after the miscarriage, we told a little white lie to the children and told them we were going to therapy. We didn't want them to think that we were just jumping right back into things like nothing had happened. I honestly wish we would have actually gone to therapy when we told the kids we were going. It's just hard. We didn't want to think about what we had gone through. Therapy and talking about what had happened almost made it feel more real. That's why we never talked about losing the baby even though that was the hardest thing I had ever been through.

As a mother, I don't think you ever know what to do if you lose a child. Even though they weren't born yet, they were real. I heard their heartbeat. I felt them growing inside me. Then, one day it was gone. No more movement. No more heartbeat. No baby. Just emptiness. Sure, a part of me felt empty after I gave birth each time. But this was a different kind of emptiness. You see, at least when you give birth and take the baby or babies home, you have a heart that is so full that it feels as though it is going to explode. When you have a miscarriage, you just feel empty, or at least I did. I felt pain and loss. The fullness of having a baby was gone and I knew that I wasn't going to get that. That is a type of pain I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. I'm so scared that I'm going to have that emptiness again. I'm scared of what it would do to me. I'm scared of what it would do to Draco.

Draco. My husband who is far too good for and to me. It breaks my heart thinking back on everything that I've put him through. I've been letting him keep this marriage afloat by himself for too long. I know that I'm not the only one that has been going through the loss of our child. I just feel like he doesn't understand what it is like for me. Yes, he was there, but he didn't feel it like I did. I felt their life leave. You can't unfeel that, and I can't expect Draco to know what that is like. He has been singlehandedly keeping this family together while going through the loss of his child. He is so much stronger than I could ever hope to be.

I look across the table at my husband, "I feel like I don't tell you this enough but thank you."

He looks up from his plate and tilts his head slightly, "What are you thanking me for?"

"For everything, I don't deserve you."

Draco just nods and goes back to eating. I look over my husband and it finally hits me how much he has changed over the years. There are parts of him that have softened with age. His face isn't as pointed as it used to be, he laughs more than he used to. He isn't nearly as tense as he used to be. At the same time, there is still a darkness that if you look close enough you can see in his eyes. A darkness caused by all the pain he has seen and felt over the years. But he glows with the love that he feels for his children. I love him so much more for how much he loves and supports our children.

I love the way his face lights up whenever they are around. I love how he makes a point to write to them constantly and how he has embraced Rose and welcomed her into his heart with open arms. Draco never had to take Rose in and claim her as his own, but he stepped up and I love him so much for it, even after all this time. I was lying when I said I didn't love him anymore. I regretted saying it as soon as it left my lips. And I can never unsay those words, I know that. He will always have that thought echoing through his head, and I just wish I could make it go away, but I know it hit too close at insecurity that he has had for many years. I played on that insecurity and now I must live with that.

"You should eat," Draco states. "Is your food not good? Would you like something different?"

"No, it's fine," I pick back up my fork. "I'm just lost in thought this afternoon."

"Anything you want to share?"

I give him a half-smile, "I'm just very grateful for you, that's all."

Draco gives me a look that I can't help but think of Scorpius. It's moments like these that there is no denying where my boy gets his looks. It's insane how much Scorpius looks like his father. The hair, the eyes, the build, but he has softer features than Draco did growing up.

"I'm thinking about sending Gatsby to Hogwarts for the kids to keep there. I feel like they need an owl at school. We can just use Binx at home."

"Oh, yeah, I never thought about that. You're right though," I take a bite of food. "What good is having two owls if they are both at home while the kids are at school."

Draco nods, "So I'll just send Gatsby with my next round of letters and tell the kids to keep him there. I think it will be good for them to have an owl at school. I never liked using the school owls while I was in Hogwarts. I didn't feel like they were very reliable."

"So, now that we've gone to therapy a few times now, how do you think it's going?"

"I don't have anything to compare it to," Draco shrugs. "I've never gone to therapy before to know if this is going well."

"I'm just wondering if you think it is good for us or not," I finish the last of my food. "You can be honest. If you don't think it's working, just say so. I genuinely want to know."

"I just." He pauses and sighs. "I just wish it didn't make me so confused about where this is going. As far as I knew, we were done and moving on. Then you say you want to go to therapy, but therapy is confusing to me because through your many words you lose me on what you're thinking. I just want to do what will make you happy."

"What about what is going to keep you happy, Draco. It doesn't always have to be about me."

Draco sets down his cutlery, "My family is what has been keeping me going. You, Rose, Scorpius, Selene, and Lyra. Everything felt safe and secure for the first time in my life." He sighs heavily, "Then I lost Lyra, then the baby, then when I needed you the most, you left as well. Suddenly, I was grasping and holding on so tight to keep my family together. I feel like I've been on uneven ground ever since then. Waiting for something to break so everything comes crumbling down around me. But I wasn't allowed to feel anything because I had to be there for the kids, and the one person who I was supposed to feel all of this with made me feel as though I wasn't allowed to be upset because I wasn't the one that lost the baby. Like that child wasn't also part of me." He shakes his head and takes a drink. "I just feel like I can't be happy because everything is going to fall apart if I let myself get too comfortable."

I reach out to grab Draco's hand, "I'm sorry, Draco. I know it wasn't fair of me to turn my back on you. I don't have any excuse for that."

Draco gives me a defeated look, "It's so lonely in that house. The walls hold too many memories, good and bad. I can feel my skin crawl with the thoughts of what happened there. It hasn't bothered me this much in so long. I feel like all the repressed memories have finally decided to come to light now that I'm alone. I haven't been staying there. I can't be there by myself. I sleep at the office most nights."

I can feel my breath catch in my throat. I hadn't thought of what Draco lived through in the manor in so long. All the evils he witnessed and was forced to partake in. "Draco, I'm so sorry. I didn't..."

"Stop, okay," he snaps. "I don't need you feeling bad for me. I made my bed many years ago and now I finally am forced to lay in it."

"No," I defend, "your father made that bed and forced you into it. Don't you dare blame yourself for that." I watch as he absent mindedly touches his forearm where his dark mark used to be.

"I need to get back to the office, I had an unexpected guest earlier that I need to attend to," Draco gestures to the waitress and she brings over the ticket.

"Anyone I know."

He pauses slightly, "No."