I killed my mate [in process, please be patient]

Scars

The world we were brought to live was once peaceful and breathtaking.  A place where humanity was supposed to live in harmony and where there was the belief we wouldn’t fight against each other. However, I believe humanity was born in conflict and maybe that is why all of us have a dark side, and therefore, peace was nothing but a utopia, from the very start.  

Whatever rom the earth first, Gods and monsters, man and animals knew that darkness will creep in, in every one of us, because we were worn in war, despair and hunger and in that way we are not so different after all. Though if we were indeed born in conflict, why is it some of us choose to embrace our dark side and some just decline? Some say they have no choice and that others are able to fight it but only for certain time because in the end, darkness it’s as natural as the air we breathe, at some point all of us are forced to face the truth, our biggest fears, our worst part of darkness, which it is ourselves, our true selves.

Right now, my worst part of darkness, my soul, is driving me out of sanity. The mood changes I’m undergoing are driving me crazy, they make me want to just harm myself or maybe harm others? It’s not like something I can’t describe but It’s like I want to have an extreme makeover in personality and at the same time I don’t want to change. I want to scream and lash out at every one who ever hurt me! I want to stay true to myself but at the same time I want to be what everyone is expecting me to be! I want to please them but I want to please me as well, what do I do then?

I know this is not a conundrum is more like a personal enigma. My easily annoyed being does not help much, because I found myself more on edge each passing minute and it’s just too stressing sometimes because I can’t handle people checking on me, being aware that they are watching and constantly judging me, but not being able to do anything about it. About the tags they give you, the names they call you, and what’s even worse is that those tags aren’t just misconceptions, they are real, valuable, because they know you, they know me, the real me. It’s denigrating and overrated because they take advantage of the state I am in, these hallucinations that are making me blind, that are drowning me.  

I am aware that reality sucks because I am already an expert with that. After all the hurt and pain I’ve been through, it will be rather odd to keep getting back for more, but it is just how things go, we don’t have control over everything. I know loving him was what broke me, loving him was what changed and shaped me into what I am today, and even knowing that what I need to be sane again is stop loving him, I just can’t bring myself to do it!

I can’t keep up this way! After all this time I thought it was over but it truly never was. I never closed the chapter, I just changed the page and now I’m paying for it because it is still me the one who stands it all, because I was the only one affected when things went downhill, when everything went wrong. Even now, that we are so far apart from each other, I’m totally sure that I can still get hurt by him because he will never be able to love me the way I love him.

I wanna cry! I really have the urge to do so, but I won’t because I can’t, not in front of them. I feel that crying will be accepting that there is something wrong with me, that I am actually nothing, but I know that’s not true, those are just prejudice I make of myself when my demons haunt me, when I feel like I’m been left out and when I start wondering whether or not I’m doing something wrong.

When I’m like this I don’t understand what I’m doing, maybe I’m pushing people away, I don’t know but I suddenly just feel like standing on a place and letting life just slip from my fingers. It’s kind of hard to explain. It’s not that I am a masochist it’s just that I want to feel loved. I mean there are a lot of people who will be able to be hurting for love, but right now my priority is just filling that whole, that emptiness inside me, but I don’t know how.