AM I YOURS? // MATTY HEALY.

Why Alyssa? Why did it have to be her?

Matty

There are so many thoughts that keep running through my over active brain right now. Maybe I'm being cynical in how I'm reacting to this but I don't think I've ever felt this betrayed in my entire life. The first and most painful thought for me is, why did they have to do this?

Of all the things that they could've done to cope with their own problems, this is the one thing that could hurt multiple people around them. It was selfish and downright stupid. How could they honestly think that this wouldn't devastate anyone else? It didn't make any sense to me.

Maybe I'm the issue here. Maybe I pushed them together with my own selfish actions the past year. Of course I would think that though, my own struggles and coming to terms with how I've handled things recently are the only thoughts I have to hold onto anymore. What does it matter if I blame myself? It doesn't change what they did, it just gives me more reason to keep getting better so that I don't get myself into another situation like this in the future, with anyone.

Could I ever possibly forgive either of them for this?

A loud banging pulled me out of a deep sleep that had been consuming me for an unknown amount of time. I squinted my eyes as the light hit them, closing them again briefly. The banging got louder until I realised it was someone knocking on the door. I glanced at the clock on the wall and saw it was 12:04am. Who the fuck was at my door at this time?

I got up off the couch and made my way to the front door, when I unlocked it and swung it open I was shocked to see Alyssa standing on the other side. She looked angry, like really fucking angry. "What's wrong?" I asked her.

"Are you fucking serious Matty?" She glared at me. "You were supposed to meet me 3 hours ago but you fucking stood me up." The realisation hit me, I got high and passed out on the couch. I was meant to meet her at the pub for a few drinks and then go to the cinema for date night.

"Oh my God, Alyssa I'm so fucking sorry." I rushed towards her, grabbing her hands. She pulled them out of mine instantly, stepping back.

"No, that isn't fucking good enough." She shook her head. "I thought something fucking happened to you Matty, you weren't answering your phone. The things that were running through my head."

"I'm sorry, I really am. I passed out." I told her, I felt terrible. I didn't mean to leave her hanging like this. "I was so tired, I barely slept last night and we had so many things to do today." She narrowed her eyes at me, clearly not buying my bullshit.

"Are you high?" She asked firmly. My heart begun to race in my chest, I didn't want her to think I missed our date because I was off doing heroin until I couldn't see straight.

"I'm not anymore." I mumbled quietly, diverting my eyes to look at the ground. I didn't want to see the look of disappointment and anger from her.

"I can't believe this." She said. "You're unbelievable Matty."

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean this to happen." I looked up, pleading her to believe me.

"Do you understand how scary it is for me to have you not turn up, thinking you're dead or something?" She furrowed her eyebrows, her eyes were filled with fear and uncertainty. "I genuinely get scared that you're gonna end up dead because of all this sometimes."

"I'm not." I protested. "I just got really tired and passed out, I know it's not a good excuse but please forgive me."

"I just don't get it." She sighed. "You're letting this take over your life Matty, it's clouding your judgement so much that you're forgetting the important things." I stood there staring back at her, unable to form the correct words to respond with.