AM I YOURS? // MATTY HEALY.

Scarlett Healy, has a ring to it.

Matty

I stared into Alyssa's eyes, just hoping she would say the words that I needed to hear. I needed so badly for her to say that she loved me too. Otherwise what is the point? Why would the world want me to continue suffering like this? I don't think I deserve that. Surely she still loves me.

The tears filled her eyes, threatening to spill down her cheeks. I didn't want her to cry though, that wasn't my intention. I just wanted her back. I wanted to be able to kiss her, to tell her I love her every single day. That's all I really wanted.

"Matty, of course I still love you." She finally choked out. "But that doesn't mean everything is wiped away. I still broke your heart."

"And I'm telling you right now, that doesn't matter to me anymore." I said desperately. She opened her mouth as if she was about to say something but then shut it again, furrowing her brows. "Can we at least talk about this?"

"Come in then." She sighed. I nodded and followed her inside and went into the living room. Alyssa went into the kitchen and returned with a bottle of wine.

"I don't think I should drink anymore." I told her.

"This isn't for you." She mumbled and sat down on the couch. She opened the bottle and then started chugging it. "I can't do this sober."

"Clearly neither can I." I said quietly.

"Why now?" She turned to face me more. "You moved on and you told me months ago that this was over with, so why now?"

"I don't know." I mumbled. "I just keep thinking about you, about us and it's driving me crazy Alyssa." I threw my head back in frustration. "If I could switch it off then I would but I can't. I need to live with this."

"You also have a girlfriend." Alyssa pointed out.

"We both know that's not going to last." I stared at her.

"You can't play games like this Matty. It's not fair. You can't tell me you don't want to be with me, which you know you had every right to after what I did and then come running back here, drunk and confessing this to me." She ranted. "If I could then I would go back to that night, I would've done everything so differently but I can't and neither can you." She had more tears welling up in her eyes by this point.

"I know." I whispered.

"So doing this now doesn't matter." She sighed. I watched her continue to drink the bottle of wine, it was scary how fast she was drinking it without even really flinching.

"Maybe you should slow down." I said to her.

"It's fine." She said once she pulled the bottle away from her lips.

"It's not." I said a little more firmly.

"Then what am I supposed to do Matty?" She glared at me. "Everything is a fucking mess and I can't fix it. Okay so we still love each other? Does that matter anymore because we just always end up hurting each other to the point of breaking up." I stared at her with sadness forming in my eyes. "I love you so much it physically hurts sometimes, when I thought you were breaking up with me when you were in rehab, I felt like the world was crumbling away from me. I didn't know what to do. It's so fucking pathetic really."

"It's not." I reached out to grab her hand but she pulled back.

"But it is Matty." She snapped. "I shouldn't be so dependent on you, it's not healthy. It fucking kills me inside to want you this much, knowing how much I fucked up." She continued drinking from the bottle of wine until it was empty. Her eyes were glazed and it looked as though she was already drunk.