AM I YOURS? // MATTY HEALY.

Matty, you're drunk aren't you?

Matty

I don't know how I managed it but somehow I fixed things with Holly and now we seem to be better than ever. I guess Alyssa was right and I just need to find fixed days to spend time with Holly in order to keep her happy. Truly that's all I want though, to make my girlfriend happy. It's a weird feeling but for once, things just felt peaceful. I didn't have any issues in my life. I didn't feel like there was anything close to a bump in the road.

And it kinda terrified me. I wasn't used to this sort of calm in my life. It's almost as though I felt bored of things actually. Going to the studio. Recording songs. Going home. Seeing Holly for a bit and then maybe see my mates. That's what my life consisted of now. And I just didn't feel settled.

Why though?

Isn't this truly what I wanted to happen? To feel settled and have a purpose that wasn't fueled by the drugs in my system? I should be happy right now but I'm just not. I think the problem is that I always thought I would be happy with Alyssa, that we'd maybe settle down and get a house together but that didn't happen. I guess maybe the disappointment from that failed relationship isn't really something I can get over just yet.

I'm nearly 29 now and I just feel like my accomplishments aren't as satisfying as they should be. I should be grateful for what I've done with my life but it feels like something is missing. Something isn't quite right. I just wish I could work it out before my mental health deteriorates again.

I pulled myself out of bed and looked at reflection in the mirror. I needed a change. I want a change. My phone lit up from the bedside table, a message to our group chat.

Memes n that.

Big Al: Do you guys think I should dye my hair more blonde?

Hann Solo: Why not.

Georgie: Why would you want to be more blonde?

Big Al: Because I'm bored of my hair duh.

Nessy: I think you should do it.

Big Al: See this is the encouragement that I need.

Rass: I literally have no input here.

Big Al: Thanks Ross, you're a gem. Totally helped my dilemma.

Rass: Always here to help.

Curly wurly: I think it's a good idea.

Blonde... I kinda want a change too. Maybe I should go blonde. I went to Alyssa's contact details and called her. She answered after a few rings. "Are you calling me to tell me a list of reasons why I should dye my hair, otherwise I'm suddenly deaf."

"No." I chuckled. "I actually called you because you gave me an idea."

"And what's that?" She asked.

"I want to go blonde." I told her.

"You want to dye your hair blonde?" She sounded in shock.

"Yeah." I confirmed. "Why not?"

"It's just a big change for you, why have you suddenly decided to do that?" She laughed.

"I'm just bored of myself right now, I think it would look funny and if it doesn't I can always just shave my head." I shrugged, even though she couldn't see it.

"Your precious curls, whatever will you do without them." She said dramatically.

"They'll grow back." I laughed. "So will you help me?"