Before I go (B.E.)

Chapter 1.

Lana Pov.

Monday the day every teenager dreads. The fact you have to wake up so early to end up somewhere you never want to be. Especially when you have no one there for you. All they do is laugh and point at me. Most the time for my appearance; the thing I hated about myself. I hate basically everything about me.

Ever since my only two friends moved away everything is different. I never was in a good mindset. No matter how hard I tried it only ends up getting worse. Everyone thinks I'm so strong but in reality I'm not. The people who seem the strongest always feel the most. That is exactly true. Over the last month I barely ate. No one ever notices because all I do is wear baggy clothes. I hate my body. Never have I ever told anyone and I never will.

After a few moments of thinking I got myself out of bed. Every morning no matter what day it is I listen to music, usually the one and only Billie Eilish. Whenever I listen to her she just puts me in a good mood. As I was singing along a little too loudly I went in my closet. Most of my closet is just hoodies two times the size I need, sweatpants, and sneakers. Not to mention also t-shirts that also are way too big for me. Everything is so big on me because I have been losing so much weight, I don't want people to know because well it will cause more problems.

I grabbed a black sweatshirt that had the words a cool graphic on it and some sweatpants that were also black. After I was dressed I decided to just put my hair up in a messy bun. It's not like if I wore a crop top and skinny jeans and my hair straightened it would make a difference. As I brought up my hair in the bun I went down the stairs. My parents weren't home because my father leaves in the middle of the night and my mom, well she is never home. Always out doing something.

I have a sister and two brothers but my brothers don't need to get up until an hour after I leave since they were younger and went to a different school. My sister on the other hand is always at some boys house or her friends. She is the popular girls, the total opposite of me. Everyone knows her but the fact that they don't even know that I'm her sister makes me sick.

After a few minutes just relaxing and dreading the day ahead I put on my nike air forces. Then I grabbed my phone and my bag. As I walked out of my house I put in a earbud in listening to the familiar voice. Her voice always soothes me, and just hearing about her brings a smile to my face. By the time the song "I Love You" ended I was at school. Already I could hear people laughing and pointing at me. Couldn't it be a minute before it started but no.

The first half of my day was ordinary; sitting in the back and paying attention to the teacher. All the other kids either were talking or just making fun of me. The chattering didn't stop so the teacher stopped teaching and took a seat next to me. We had a conversation how they never shut up. Then he told me I was free to do whatever I want because we had twenty minutes of class left. Since I was able to do anything I just listened to Billie once again.

The lunch bell finally rang. Lunch is the most enjoyable because I get away from everyone. During lunch I sit at the foot of my locker just listening to music. I know everyone still talks about me at lunch but as long as I can't hear I'm fine. As I was sitting listening to music I heard footsteps and looked up to see the principal of the school. He is always so nice to me but not so much with everyone else. We talked for ten minutes before the bell rung.

I got up and started to go to my next class leaving him and giving him a smile. The next class is music. Honestly I don't know why I chose to do music but I have always been interested in songwriting. Ever since I was four I always was making up tunes and then as I was able to write I started to jot them down. That I guess was the only reason I enjoyed music other than the memories I had with my friends with music. The most important people in my life were those two people. No matter what they were their for me. I was always there for them too. But since they left my life was a mess. We always promised to stay in touch but it never happened. They ended up making new friends and just gradually stop talking to me.

For me it was the opposite, no matter what I do I never could make friends with anyone. Never. I was always the not talkative person, always the one in the back keeping everything to themselves. Even when I was younger I was called "mysterious". Only two people I opened up too. But of course everything decent in my life leaves.

The teacher started talking and I slightly jumped forgetting I was here, at school. My thoughts just took over me. She was telling us how their was going to be this songwriting competition. However it was going to be going on all over the world. So my chance of winning was impossible. In my stomach I had a feeling that I needed to join the competition. Once again I trailed off into my thoughts.

Once I was back in reality the teacher asked a question. Never in a million years would I ask a question; even if I wanted to know something I never would. The first question that was asked was about what the reward was going to be. She let out a laugh knowing that people would want to join once they hear the reward. The reward was to work with a star that has been hitting it off lately. However she never said who it was. That made me more intrigued.

Again the bell rung telling everyone that the next class was going to start. This class is the last of the day. My teacher for this class lets me do my work for his class at home. He is the only teacher I told everything too. Since he understood me he let me always go home early because he didn't want me to go through anything else.

I got home finally. No one was home yet so I decided to just go to my room to work on my work I needed to do and to listen to music. Then I remember about that songwriting contest. It was honestly in the best timing, it was like they were reading me or something. For a few days I have been working on this song. The song means a lot to me because It is describing my current situation in life. Not going to lie, the song is pretty deep. However music is the only way I can tell people about everything.

Billie inspired me a lot for the sound of the song. The song was going to be a little bit slow and sad because that is how I feel all the time. As I was putting my finishing touch on the lyrics I decided to make a melody for the background of the song. For this song in particular I felt that the piano would be best. I really didn't know how to play piano so I usually do what sounds good to ear. Most of the time it ends up working.

After about an hour of finding the sound I wanted I decided to record the notes. Then I sung the song. When I sing the song I always think about everything. Making the song more emotional to me. I'm not the type to cry or show emotion so if I do show any emotion it is for something big. Just all the memories and everything hits me hard. I finished singing the song and layered it on top of the recording of the piano. Not going to lie I was proud of it. I haven't felt proud of something in a while so it was good feeling.

I was confident for the first time in forever so I decided to post it to my Instagram. Not many people were going to see it though because I don't really have any followers. That is the only reason I felt like posting it, knowing not many people were going to see it. Before I posted it I made sure to tag Billie in it because I was saying how she was my inspiration in the sound. Once I posted it I powered off my phone because I didn't want to see anything right now. All I wanted to do was lay in my bed and listen to music.

It was ten so I decided it was a good time to go to bed. I grabbed a t-shirt and some shorts and changed. The shirt was like a dress so it didn't really matter. Before I went to bed I made sure my brothers were asleep. They were in bed so I went back into my room. A few minutes passed and I felt my eyelids start to get heavy. Before I knew it I was in a deep sleep.