𝙖𝙡𝙚𝙭𝙖𝙣𝙙𝙧𝙖 • 𝙟𝙤𝙝𝙣 𝙨𝙝𝙚𝙡𝙗𝙮 [complete]

••• 27 •••

THERE WAS a heavy blanket of tension over my relationships with almost everyone after the abortion. The Peaky Blinders knew about it, Ada knew about it - pretty much everyone except for Cara knew at this point. The only place where I knew I wouldn't be faced with judgement or sympathy was Gerald's grave. 

"Well, I fucked up," I said with a sigh as I sat on the grass, twirling a daisy between my fingers. "I really, really fucked up."

"What could have been so bad?" Gerald's voice suddenly asked. My eyes widened and I look up to see him sitting opposite me. Deep down, I knew he wasn't real, but I didn't care.

I took in a shaky breath, the sight of him almost bringing me to tears. "I got pregnant, G. I... I've been sleeping with John. And I know it isn't right, but staying away from him is so hard. He- he tells me that he cares about me, that he fuckin' loves me... that he's gonna leave her."

"Oh, Ally," Gerald said with a sigh. "It isn't like you to be so torn up, especially not over a man. It isn't like you to be so naive, either."

"But I trust him," I whispered, biting my lip. "He wouldn't lie to me. If he didn't feel the same, he'd tell me."

"And risk getting his eyes cut out?" Gerald gave me a scoff. "John may be a lot of things, but he ain't stupid."

"Aren't you supposed to be making me feel better instead of worse?" I asked, pulling my knees up to my chest. "Everyone hates me. Even John hasn't visited me since the abortion. God, I could fuckin' kill him. How dare he?"

"John has things other than you to worry about," Gerald said, making me roll my eyes. "And the others will get over it. Finn loves you to bits. Tommy and Arthur probably never cared in the first place, and the same goes for Ada. And Polly... it will take some time, but she will forgive you."

"Things feel different with John, this time," I admitted, feeling a weight melt off my shoulders as I spoke out loud what had been plaguing my mind. "He didn't say outright that he was angry or upset about the abortion, but... things feel different."

"Different how?" Gerald pressed, a look of concern on his face.

"Different like... like he doesn't love me anymore," My heart ached as I let the words that had been filling my nightmares finally leave my mouth. "Not as much as he used to, anyway. Maybe he's realised it would be easier to love her. He wouldn't have to hide it. She wouldn't... she wouldn't kill his baby."

"You're overthinking and driving yourself insane," Gerald said bluntly. "Listen to yourself. This is John you're taking about, your John!"

I pouted slightly, my shoulders dropping. "I miss you, G."

"I miss you too, Ally," He replied with the smile that would always calm me down and make me feel safe. "Promise me you won't let this get you down."

"I can't control my emotions," I admitted, dropping the daisy onto the grass.

"That's where you're wrong," Gerald said, raising his eyebrow. "You're Alexandra fuckin' Romero. You don't take shit from anybody. If someone doesn't like something you did, so fuckin' what? You don't live to please others, or to make others happy. You do what makes you happy."

I knew his words were essentially my own, but they were infinitely more comforting when they were spoken with his voice. "You're right, G. You're always fuckin' right. Why did you have to leave me?" I wanted to reach out to him and hold his hand, but I was scared I wouldn't feel anything.

"You're strong, Ally, even on your own," He said softly. "Always remember that."

"But I-" I blinked and he was gone. I could've screamed. Looking over to his gravestone, my fingers trailed over the words.