Cold At Dusk

Fourty Seven

Things were happening slowly and it was getting uncomfortable for Mark. He could no longer sit without feeling something was pinching him. His legs shook often and his fingers always drummed on the desk in his office or the arm of the sofa at home. He was back talking to his wife but the communication was not like before. She replied his questions like it took much strength to talk to him.

Their recovery was slow, slower than before. Once, they had made love with him pounding into her from behind and she was gripping the sheets making it come off from its ends but he never heard her moan. After he released into her, she wordlessly walked into the bathroom.

He  bought her maternity gowns which he had a hard time choosing  but when he brought it home, in place of a little show excitement, all she said was, "Drop it on the floor " She had been sitting on her side of the bed with her phone  in hand. He took the bag instead and dropped it on the bed in her room.

He stood up for no reason as he heard the light taps of her slippers on the stairs. He threw his hands into his pockets and paced about, wondering whether to go to the kitchen and start preparing a meal or just assist. He did not get to decide till Kamsi entered the kitchen wearing a blue spaghetti strap satin nightwear.

"Good morning " She greeted without turning from the fridge she was peering into as he stepped in to the kitchen.

"What do we need, baby ?" He asked, leaning on the wall.

"Eggs, milk, fish.. " She turned around and continued listing counting off with her fingers. "But I'll restock today"

He sighed, "But us" He waved a finger at the space inbetween them. "What do we need? "

She threw her hands in the air in utter frustration, "It's six o'clock in the morning. What is wrong with you? "

He did not know the answer to that. He was just trying to be more vocal, take suggestions, experiment with ideas that might  float the pieces of his marriage which were sinking . He just knew he was scared and desperate. He did not want to loose her.

"Don't go to work today." He said. He watched her expression go from shocked to amused. "Please"

"Today is my exam " She said then moved to open the cupboard above.

He scratched his nearly hairless head then sat on a plastic seat in the kitchen. "Kamsi, you are not going to get that promotion or whatever it is you are struggling for. You are not even up to a year with them. Things don't work that way "

"Jesus Christ! " She shouted, turning around quickly. "Leave my Kitchen "

He didn't move, just sat there and it made her tighten her lips and teeth as she glared at him .

"Get up and leave! "

"Kamsi.. " He started without making to stand up.

"Fine" She said, cutting him off. "Have the space. It's your house after all"

She stormed upstairs to her own room and began to arrange her clothes for work. She tried to suppress her anger and to be in the right state of mind to go for an exam. Recalling all she read was becoming difficult. She sat on the bed and tried to answer some questions in her head but always came out blank. She should have just slept in a hotel in preparation for the day just like she did the other day she did not return home.

Mark came into the room with his phone in his hand. She looked at him as he entered then  began searching her bag for nothing.

"Where's your phone? " He asked.

"In your room "

"Your mom has been calling." He said, then the phone started to ring again and he handed it to Kamsi.

She stood as she took the phone and walked about with a hand placed on her belly. She walked and entered Mark's room still with the phone on her ear. He followed her , quietly then leaned on the wall, watching her.

"..and the surgery? " She asked. She paused in her steps and slowly walked to the bed. She sat on it, placing the phone beside her with Genevieve still shouting, "Kamsi? " through the speakers.

"I'll call you back "

Mark walked to the bed and sat beside her, contemplating on whether to hold her or not. He ended the call, then just looked at her. She turned to him and took her arms through his own and held his shoulders. Slowly, he brought up his arms to hold her.

"I didn't mean it. I thought he would survive " She said.

He nodded and swallowed. "I'm sorry he didn't make it "

She was silent and he rubbed his hand on her back, up and down. "I don't know how to feel " She said suddenly with a steady voice and Mark only pulled her closer and if it was possible to melt into one, it was then, they could have shared a skin.

The memory of her own mother was very faint, almost non existent but she had known her. She used to plait her  hair and wake her up abnormally early to prepare for  school. She could remember crying, she could remember always going to school late, she could remember sharing a small wooden chair with Aisha because the school didn't have enough seat. She was just five years .

The day she died, her father told her, "Your mother left to heaven with your brother ." she could remember crying, having a little understanding of death, she could remember hoping to see her at home making orange juice that she would take to school the next day. There was just little she could remember but she did in bits.

When Genevieve came, she wanted to learn everything about her. Kamsi did not like her at first and always threw tantrums. Genevieve reminded her of her class teacher who always flogged her with pencil. Just the looks, she never  flogged her. She had been ready to learn and when she saw Kamsi one day, standing under the orange tree close to their red gate,  picking fallen oranges, she had learnt to start making orange juice to pack with her lunch.

"I'm sorry " Mark's voice penetrated the silence in the room and her thoughts.

"I don't know if it's because she did not give him a child, he did not treat her well.. My step mom. He cheated on her, even brought girls to the house, he beat her for speaking up. He abused her love. "

Mark  swallowed, his hand stilled on her back as some guilt spread its twig in his heart. She disentangled from him, placed a chaste kiss on his lips then left the room. It was alien. The fear he felt when he saw no tears in her eyes,  the fear he felt as he watched her walk out of his room. That fear was alien.