Dreamers [#Wattys2020]

15.

Rover.

I don't want to wake up today. I don't want to face the world, and I don't want to have to perform tonight.

Avery's giving me the silent treatment, yet secretly I'm also giving her the silent treatment. We're more in a war to see who will give up first.

In the back part of the bus where I can be all alone, I take out my mandoline from its case and I softly strum it until all the chords are placed in tune. Its wooden shell is so beaten up because of how long I've played it, yet I know I could never replace it. The sound would never be the same and it wouldn't fit perfectly in my hands.

If I think back to the time when I first held it, I was so hopeful and excited. What happened? I have everything I could ever want and still, happiness is the last thing on my mind right now.

Music was my life, it is my life, but I want nothing to do with it right now. It's taken so much away from me. I don't even think I knew what it was like to be a teenager. I was homeschooled on the road and never spoke to anyone my age.

I'm just glad that Isla doesn't have to go through any of this. She can have what I never did.

My cellphone vibrates beside me, her name lighting up.

"I miss you," she texts.

"I do too," I reply. "It's funny, I feel like we've had this conversation before."

I could imagine her rolling her twelve-year-old eyes, "We do, pretty much every day."

"How's mom?" I ask.

"Same as usual, working constantly," she writes.

"What about school, how are you doing?"

"It's been over for two weeks," she replies. "But I did well."

I still smile even though I know she can't see me, "I'm happy to hear it."

I knew it was only a matter of time before she begged, "Please let me join you!"

"Trust me," I tell her, "it's quite boring."

"But I literally want to be anywhere else than at home doing nothing."

"Call your friends," I suggest. "Do whatever you want, I'll pay for it."

"Okay..." I can sense that she's sulking.

"I love you," I make sure to say.

She doesn't respond back, yet I know at the very least she's not as disappointed in me as Avery.

My little sister, I love her so much, but she needs to be a kid. A dark bus isn't where she should spend her summer.

I feel as if I've been staring at walls making incoherent melodies for hours when Avery finally decides to come check on me.

"Are we going to talk about last night?" she asks straight-faced.

I should have said she came to berate me more. 

"I was tired," I tell her the same thing I did yesterday.

"You've never not done an encore before, I just want to understand what happened?" she pushes further.

"I-," I try to think of how to answer her. "I just felt tired, exhausted."

"I don't believe you," she tries to analyze me more. "You know your record label is going to hear about this."

"It was one night," I emphasize. "The crowd probably wasn't any wiser."

She shakes her head, "They talk online you know. People are going to notice."

"I'm only human," I raise my voice slightly.

"Yeah," she nods wide-eyed, "I don't think you disciples see you that way."

"Well, what do you want me to do?!" I practically shout.

I don't think I've ever gotten into a fight with Avery all the years she's toured around with me. I'm so angry, my cheeks flush in redness. I just want somebody to understand. 

"Grow up!" her voice gets louder.

I stand up to try and make my way past her.

"I was never a child," I say, "I didn't get to be that."

"Then be an adult! Be the heartthrob you are supposed to be and don't complain." Her gaze is poignant, "Do your job."

I hope she hears me as I walk away, "I'd rather be dead."

In my bunk at least I can shut the rest of the world out. It's a harsh environment ready to trample anyone who wants to defy it. Maybe letting it drain me of every drop of blood in my body is what I need to do for everyone to just forget about me.

What would life be like without me? Or the me who wanted to follow his dreams when he was still so naive? 

I would like to see the normal human me. A regular job, maybe a teacher. A house that I can sleep in every night. I want stability. I want to be average.

Again, another city takes hold of the tour as the stage is being put up and the mics are being prepped. 

I'm stuck in a greenroom like every other I've had the pleasure to sit in. My clothes set down on my couch. It's the same thing over and over. I can't even tell how long of this tour I have left. It feels like forever.

Things start to pick up as the concert-goers begin to migrate towards their seats and merch tables. I'm on the floor right below them and none of them even know I'm here. At least I have this knowledge over them.

Avery quickly opens the door to say, "Get dressed," before rushing back out.

I'm glad that she's too busy to argue with me further right now.

My jeans are quick to slip into, there stretchiness letting me move with much more freedom. My shirt has an intricate pattern that supposedly contrasts my eyes perfectly. And lastly, my shoes with the half-inch heels to make me look taller.

"Let's go," Avery comes back in.

I don't respond to her, but I follow her down the backstage hallways up to the curtains keeping everything out of sight that might blow the magic of what it's like to be a famous musician.

My fans are cheering and know I'm only minutes away from making my appearance. 

A lot of the noise starts to become muffled and quiet. It's simply that time of the day, I guess...

"Rover?" Avery stops and puts her hand on my arm. "Are you okay?"

"What?" I say, things getting a little hazier than before.

"What's wrong?" she continues to question me.

I begin to feel like I'm not standing as straight as I was.

"Rover?!" I hear Avery shout as I hit the ground.

I can't see or hear anything.