Dreamers [#Wattys2020]

16.

Noah.

I'm in the black empty space, the one I've been to in my head where I can just think about nothing, but I don't know what I'm doing here right now.

I walk further into the distance changing directions every so often until I see him.

Rover is standing, his head down and watching the ground.

I move forward slowly, "Rover?"

"Huh?" he turns to me startled.

He's fidgety and seems somewhat manic.

"Sorry," he says trying to regain his composure.

"Don't be," I tell him just a few feet away now. "Are you okay? What's wrong?"

"I don't know..." he replies. "Maybe I was just really stressed."

"What do you mean?" I ask, concerned.

"I-" he tries to get the words out, "I fell. I collapsed."

He's visibly scared and not sure what to do, but I'm happy that I'm here with him now.

I get closer to him and wrap my arms around him, pulling him into a hug.

I'm not sure who's head we're inside tonight, but I softly start talking to him, "Think about the sky, a nice bright blue sky with clouds."

Rover eventually places his arms around me too.

"Now, imagine a beautiful green field full of flowers. You can hear the slight breeze whistling through the grass and the birds singing away."

He rests his head on my shoulder.

"You're okay here," I say, "you're free."

I close my eyes for a few seconds until I start to feel the wind on my face.

It's just the two of us in the middle of the most beautiful view. Purple flowers brush over the small hills for as far as I can see.

A golden-winged butterfly lands on his nose making him look up.

"It's beautiful," he says, more relaxed than he was before.

He slowly lets go of me to get a better glimpse of the scene in front of us.

"What do we do?" he asks and I can see him get part of his personality back.

"Whatever you want," I answer.

He smirks just a little, "I don't know what I want to do."

"Let's go for a walk," I extend my hand to him.

I can feel the grass and the flowers pass smoothly over my legs while we walk in this never-ending field.

"I don't know what happened," Rover speaks up.

"Don't worry about it," I try to keep him calm. "You're with me now, so everything is going to be okay."

He clearly just has the befuddled expression of a person who wants to understand, "I don't get it, I don't think I know who I am anymore."

"Of course you know who you are," I tell him.

"I don't," he replies. "I don't want to be the person everybody sees me as."

"You're amazing," I say.

He's quick to answer, "I'm not. I just happen to be an idiot who can play the mandolin."

"It's more than I can do," I look at him.

"It doesn't make me special," he says.

I stop him from moving any further.

"You are," I try to get it through to him. "You are so special."

"I'm not," he defends.

"Well, you are to me."

Again, he's about to continue on, but I don't let him.

"Rover, you are fucking everything to me!"

"I shouldn't be," he pleads.

My voice echo's over him, "I had no one when I was fifteen."

"What?" he questions.

"I was so alone," I can feel my eyes water, yet I try to keep them at bay "My dad left for five years and my mom never even bothered to divorce him. She was still in love with him after all that time. And yeah, I'm glad he's back, he's my dad and my life has been so much better since then, but it was the worst time of my entire life. My sister was out of the house pretty much all the time. I wasn't popular or cool enough to hang out with her and her friends. Hell, I couldn't even turn to my friends because I didn't have any. But you were there. You had no idea who I was, but you were still there."

His face is blank and I can see he wants to say something, but he doesn't.

"Ro, your words let me know that I wasn't alone in the world. Someone out there understands, you understand."

"I'm sorry," he finally says.

"You need to stop apologizing," I give him a small smile. 

"As you wish, Cleopatra," his gaze eventually returns to me. "I wish we could have met then."

"Me too," I say.

We're staring up at the sky, laying on our backs, and just listening and watching the nature around us. 

He is the first person I have ever been able to tell this to because there was no one else before him. This catharsis, this thing that blocked me from ever telling the people who were in my life. I'm so scared that they would be disappointed in themselves for not knowing and I would be disappointed in myself for having them feel that way. It just never was something made for them to hear.

Rover takes in a large breath of air before saying, "I don't know who my parents are."

I turn my head to my right to see him, he doesn't meet me eye to eye but continues with what he was about to say.

"I was adopted, from birth."

This was something I had never read about him before. No news had ever reported on it.

"All I know," he says, "is that my mother, my biological mother, knew that she wanted me to have a better life."

"I wonder if she's ever seen you on TV singing your heart out," I say.

He turns his head in my direction, "I hope so. I just wish she knew that I love her. Because of her, I've met you."

"Maybe we would have met anyways," I tell him. "I said that this must be fate. I still believe that."

"Yeah, you're probably right," he says.

His left hand is lying in the grass right beside me, so I place my hand in it and entwine my fingers in his. 

"I know."