The Scenic Life

Chapter 18

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The next day rolled in quite slowly. I didn't have any nightmares, surprisingly. My dreams consisted of cute little pigs rolling in dirt on a farm, dogs running here and there. and me, sitting on the freshly cut grass with no remorse, guilt or pain whatsoever. I was shooting all of them with my camera, and beside me, on a picnic blanket, vihaan slept with a hat on his face. His hand holding mine tightly.

When I woke up it was five in the morning. It surprised me that I wasn’t feeling anything. All I wanted at that exact moment was to go back home, to my dad. To  make him his favourite breakfast and then cozy up in the recliner sofa to watch television all day. When I was  a teen, there was a tradition between the three of us, mom, dad, and I. every Sunday, we would wake up early, then decide if we wanted to stay in or go out all day. Dad and I always chose to stay in and watch movies, mom used to experiment with her cooking. It was a good time, Sunday was where we pretended everything was great in the household, Sunday was when I felt whole.

When Vihaan confronted me last night, all I could think about was the fights that took place late at night, when they thought I was sleeping. But I always stayed up a little late to read, and to figure if that fight was going to be the last one.

All that time during those fights, all I wanted to do was to confront them, all I wanted was to tell them that I could hear everything, all I wanted was to tell them that I can't handle all of the shouting anymore.

When Vihaan confronted me, I did what I had to do. I blew up and confronted him, spit all of the facts in his face. But I'm afraid that it will blow up in my face, like last time, when I confronted the producers.

I sigh loudly and pick up my phone from the counter. I want to call Viki but its still too early for her to be awake, but I'm just so in need of platonical love that I call even though I know she will kill me if I wake her up.

Viki picks up at the eighth ring, her voice groggy.

“whyareyoucallingmenow.”

I smiled at her voice and the strange gibberish spewing out of mouth. I realise that I haven’t really smiled in a few days.

My voice is soft, a bit hoarse after all that crying last night.

“hey,”

Viki has some sort of radar I guess, she knows that I am upset just after hearing my voice. She's so good that sometimes she knows I'm upset or angry even by the way I text. I love her a lot.

I hear some sort of rustle in the background, probably the blanket around her shifting around. It feels like she has bolted up straight on her bed.

“Whats wrong?”
I hear the concern in her voice, standing out from all the emotions that have been thrown at me since that club's visit. Anger, regret, guilt and rejection had been washing me out like a waterfall. And the moment I hear her voice, with concern laced all over it, I breakdown.

I breakdown like never before.

Last night after I came into my new room, I refused to acknowledge what I was feeling, refused to think that something had gone wrong again. So when she asked what was wrong, I let it out.

Viki panicked when she heard me crying first, tried asking me what was wrong again and again, but all I could do was cry. And I cried and I cried, I wailed out all of my emotions. I cried about my parents divorce, I cried about the guilt that has been inside me, eating and rotting me. and I cried about Vihaan.

When I calm down and viki can just hear me sniffling, I say.

“He confronted me, he said he loved me but he couldn’t love me anymore because I am fake, because I am a traitor. I don’t understand what to do viki, I really don’t-,”

I am once again swept by tears rolling down my cheeks, my hand covers my mouth from crying again.

Viki shushed me. “okay calm down. Breath in through one nostril and let it out from the other. Do it with me.” I do.

“Now, tell me what happened, calmly and quietly.”

And I do. I tell her everything from the start, from how I had been smitten by him when I first met, from the thing that happened at the club to the way vihaan told me he loved me.

I tell her how Vihaan had held me close at the palace when I told him about the divorce, I tell her how his hands had held me close at the club before saying sorry and scurrying off with a look of guilt, and I tell her why he had that look of guilt oh his face.

I tell her how he exploded last night, I tell her how he made me cry and then I tell her how I blew up and told him the truth and how I am afraid that maybe something will happen. That something worse will take place again.

Viki remains silent even after I finish talking, after a minute or so, she finally speaks.

“sara, don’t worry about the people and the studio, don’t care about what others are going to do. That is what has ruined your peace and calm for these few years, you need to focus on your wellbeing now.”

“you don't understand viki, our campaign shut down because of me, because I got sold out. I feel guilty everynight when I go to sleep, I feel guilty everytime my salary is credited to my account. I feel like a thief everynight. And I don’t know how to put an end to this.”

Viki didn’t have anything to say at that, and I could understand her trouble, so I didn’t push myself to release any more burdening emotions. Before saying bye though, Viki speaks. Her voice is a whisper, her words a knife.

“sara, do you love vihaan now?”

I am taken aback by this question, but not shocked. The only problem is that I don’t know the answer anymore. I don’t know what I think about him anymore. I don’t answer her question, and hang up the call.

I am in the middle of internal debate of rights from wrongs, and regret from guilt, when I hear a knock on my door.

I open the door to find vihaan standing in front of me, his back hunched. His hair has shifted to curls, which I hadn’t seen before, his eyes are a muddy brown, with gold specks in them due to the sunlight from the glass windows beside the rooms.

He looked at me with a reckless abandon, like a flower that has sacrificed itself, like a man who has never seen in his life. And it is at that moment, that I ended the battle within me, I ended the overthinking jumbling up in my head. I accepted it to myself, I admitted with defeat, that I hadn’t stopped loving this man yet.