Behind Closed Doors // Billie Eilish

Chapter 3

I bit my lip as Billie hovered over me. She placed her hand on my cheek and her lips came crashing down onto mine. I slid a hand into her hair and she kissed down my jaw to my neck. I closed my eyes, tilting my head to give her better access.

Suddenly, a loud alarm went off. I opened my eyes and looked around, turning my alarm off. Billie was not there.

I just had a dream about Billie. A dream that I stupidly wish wasn't a dream and a dream that I really wish I didn't have, but also one I really wish I could continue. Fuck feelings, honestly. This shit's confusing.

I couldn't say I don't like girls, because I did. I could, however, say that I sometimes wished I didn't, just like I wished Andrew didn't like boys.

I was not going to dwell on the idea though because it was stupid. My mom would probably disown me. That was the main thing that kept me away from people that I started to like. Girls that I started to like, more specifically. With everything I'd been through—all the conversations I'd overheard—being gay was scary to me.

I got off of the couch, pulling on an oversized, black hoodie and some sweatpants before going into the bathroom and brushing my teeth.

I grabbed my backpack. "I'm leaving." I opened the front door and stopped, waiting for a response. "Mom?"

I walked into her room to see her sitting on the edge of the bed with her head in her hands. I sat down beside her. "Is everything okay?"

"No, Camilla. What do you mean? She's gone."

"We'll get her back," I assured her.

"How?"

"What do you mean? The same way they did. We'll take her."

She shook her head. "Just go to school, Camilla."

I sighed and stood up. "Okay. Fine. Whatever."

"Don't you talk to me like that, mija. You say "yes, ma'am" and walk away."

I nodded, biting the inside of my cheek angrily. "Yes, ma'am." I slammed the front door as I left so that she knew I'm mad at her and punched the brick wall as I walked by. I'd most definitely hear about that later. She was probably gonna give me a long lecture about how I needed to treat the things I have with respect because not everybody is as lucky as me. I definitely feel lucky. I'm just so God damn lucky.

I was not a violent person. I did not have any anger issues at all, but I wanted to punch something. I wanted to hurt somebody. I wanted to hurt him. I wanted to hurt David because this was all his fault.

I needed some way to get rid of my unwanted anger or it'd all spill out in the form of tears. This was how it was every time I got angry. This is how it was every time anybody got angry I think. Either that or I hang out with some very toxic people. Usually, I'd just end up crying though, because I couldn't just beat everybody I saw and I was always angry. It didn't take much.

I picked up a stick and broke it before chunking a piece down the road. I didn't know what I found so amusing about this. "Practicing for our next competition, mama?"

I looked to my right to see Billie sticking her head out of a black Dodge Challenger. I laughed, my cheeks heating up as I remembered the dream that I had last night. "Sure."

"Heading to school?" She slowly drove behind me.

"Yeah."

"Want a ride?"

"Do you even know where it is?" I pulled my backpack strap further onto my shoulder.

"Yeah. Just because I didn't go to public school doesn't mean I haven't driven past it before. Hop in."