Behind Closed Doors // Billie Eilish

Chapter 29

Hope you guys aren't tired of the arguing... :)

"Fuck, fuck, fuck," I whispered, hopping on one foot and dragging a towel with one of my crutches to the large puddle on the ground. The sink was overflowing. I didn't know what was happening. I believed my mom messed up the disposal. I made my way to the laundry room, looking for towels but stopped when my sock gets wet.

I was gonna cry.

For some reason, the washer was leaking too. I guess they were somehow connected. This was disgusting. The water on the floor had small bits and pieces of food in it. They were definitely connected. I leaned against the doorway and pulled my sock off. My mom was gonna kill me. She's find a way to make it my fault. She'd already stressed out because the fridge wasn't working either.

I sighed as somebody knocked on the door. I looked stupid right now, my hair in a messy ponytail. The strands at the front of my didn't fit in my ponytail. I ignored the knock, hoping they'd go away but they knocked again... and again. "Goddamnit, who is it?" I yelled in Spanish as I left the laundry room, my crutch slipping in the puddle causing me to fall flat on my butt. "Fuck!"

"Sorry," Billie yelled through the door, her voice muffled. "Bad time?"

"Kind of." I sighed.

"Can I come in?" This bitch. Take a hint.

"There's a lot going on."

"Is anybody else home?" she asked.

"No."

"Then let me come in."

I shook my head and grabbed onto the door frame, getting ready to pull myself up. Billie opened the door and stepped in. "Billie, get out!" I hit her with one of my crutches and then kicked her, trying to make her leave before she got a chance to look around. I didn't want her to see my house. It was embarrassing.

"Stop." She stepped away from me, glancing around as she evaded my pitiful attempts at shooing her out of the house. "What's going on?"

"I don't know. Something's wrong with the sink... and washer."

"Is that what the smell is?"

"No. The fridge isn't working right so the food went bad but I haven't had a chance to clean it out because there's a lot going on—fucking help me up please."

"What happened?" She grabbed my hands and pulled me up. I missed her hand in mine. It always gave me that annoying, excited feeling in my chest.

She opened the fridge. There were only a few things in there because my mom had been working a lot so she hadn't gone grocery shopping. I would go do it for her but I didn't have a car or a driver's license. My mom was too scared to let me drive. "There's nothing in here hardly." She grimaced at the smell. "So what the fuck is the smell?"

"Billie, get out of my fridge. I know there's nothing in there." I shut the fridge with my foot.

"Let me call my dad."

"No, I got it. Go home. I don't really want to talk to you and my house is disgusting."

"Please just let me help—"

"I don't need your help, Billie!" I yelled frustratedly. "Fuck. Sorry. I fucking hate this!" I threw my crutches onto the floor and grabbed onto the counter. "It's hard."

"That was so dumb. You can't walk without those."

"Yes, I can. I'm just not supposed to."

"Just let me help you."

"Are you sure it won't be too sad? Fair warning, I might cry. I've been a little more depressed lately. I'd tell you why but it's a little sad." I knew I was being petty. I knew I was being mean. I knew this was dumb. I know it was in the past now.

But I wanted her to leave. I missed the way things used to be too much. Being around her just made me mad sometimes.

"I thought you were done being mad at me. Look, I'm sorry, okay? I'm so sorry. I'm such a bitch for saying that. I shouldn't have said any of that stuff. Please don't be mad at me. I need you."

"Really? I'm sorry. I just don't understand. What was I just some sad charity case that you decided to take on and then realized wasn't worth it? I'm sorry that I'm a broken piece of shit that can't be fixed."

"You're putting words in my mouth—"

"It's not about what you said, Billie. It's about how you meant it. Can you just for one second think about how I feel? I had a secret crush on you for four months straight, and then you finally told me that you liked me—for what? So that you could go on to tell me that I'm too sad? I'm sorry that I'm going through some shit right now."

She turned her whole body towards me at that. "Like what? You're being dramatic. You're going through the same shit that you have been the entire time that we've known each other! You're just an attention-seeker."

I dug my nails into the palms of my hand. "Actually, I'm not. My mom can't afford to pay the bills so we have to move back in with my grandparents in New Mexico—hence there being no food in the fridge. My dad's actually been out of jail for about a year now and my mom has been lying to me and telling me that he didn't want to see me when he does. He wants me to come live with him in Michigan and my mom gets to call the shots. Me and Starlit made this wack ass gang member mad and so that's a problem. That's what fucking happened by the way." I motioned to my leg and looked around as I continued to think. "And there's a lot of shit that I've never told you about because it's not your problem. It's mine and I'm still dealing with it even if you don't know. I just didn't want to be called a dramatic attention-seeker so I didn't say anything about it and I'm still not gonna say anything about it."

"I'm sorry." She rubbed her forehead.

"No. It's okay. Don't apologize. You're right. I can be a little too much sometimes. Can we just stop with all this arguing bullshit? I'm tired of it. I mean, I was just being a brat. Nothing's wrong with us just being friends, right?"

"Yeah..." She nodded. "Right."

"I'm cool with being friends as long as you don't act like a jealous bitch anymore. I can like whoever I want to like and date whoever I want to date, cool?"

She nodded. "Yeah."

"Okay. Well, I have to deal with this so..."

"My dad might be able to help—and before you say anything, I'll help you clean up first if that's why you're embarrassed."

I sighed as she picked my crutches up and leaned them against the counter next to me.

-

"So your dad wants you to come live with him?" Billie asked as we stood by the front door.

"Yeah."

"Are you going to?"

I shrugged. "Like I said, it's my mom's decision."

"That's not fair. You're eighteen."

"Yeah. An eighteen-year-old, still in school and not living on my own. I can't afford to move out and stay in school."

She bit her lip, nodding. "Well, I have to go. My dad's waiting on me outside."

"Okay."

She pulled me into a side hug and I just stood there awkwardly. I remember when she got mad at me for giving her a side hug because "that's not a real hug," but I didn't hear her saying shit now—which I was thankful for. I just didn't understand how she was talking about how much she liked me just a month ago and now I'm too sad for her.