Heart Attack | TK

57

The notebook:

Hey Taehyung. What should I call you? Hyung? Tae? Taehyung hyung? Dr Kim? Doctor? I don't know, you probably won't see this anyway, my stupid brain can't decide.

To be honest, my brain can't do much at all at the moment. I don't know if it's because of the surgery or if it's just because I'm still trying to understand everything, but my mind is in pieces and I can't seem to put it back together again. Every day I feel myself getting more and more confused, and the only thing that stops me from crumbling in on myself is people like Jimin, Yoongi, and you.

I can't remember little things at the moment, but you'll help me to remember, right? What if I end up forgetting you or my friends? To be honest it's quite scary when I close my eyes for a second, and the moment I open them everything has changed. People have moved, the sounds around me are different, yet when I come back around I'm always met with the same worried faces.

I feel horrible for worrying you; I don't like seeing you and the others frown. It hurts.
It hurts more than any of the pain that I've experienced in the past few weeks, even the headaches.

I'm so incredibly grateful for everything you've done for me. Heck, you didn't only save my life twice, but you've continued to help me after that, and I would have been lost without a doctor like you. You worry about me a lot and ask if there's anything else you can do, but you're already doing more than what's been asked of you hyung, and I really appreciate it.

And because of you, I feel like I'm finally starting to recover. Like maybe I will get to a point where I can continue my life. But I'm not there yet, and I need you for that. You'll be there, right? I'm sorry if it seems like I've been ignoring you to write in the notebook, but just having you there was enough, because I have some things that I want to say, I just can't seem to form the words when we're face to face.

When I first woke up in hospital, I was so scared and confused that it sent me spiralling into anxiety and unhappiness. You noticed that. On that one day when I was having a panic attack, I don't think anything has ever made my anxiety go away so quickly as when you grabbed my hand and spoke to me. It was like magic. I've come to the conclusion that you're magic, hyung.

You make sure I eat. You stay with me when I'm stressed or scared. You talk to me to distract me. You sort out my medication, even though I know that the nurses are supposed to do it. Why do you do it Taehyung? What did I do to deserve all of this support from you? I'm just a deadweight, a hopeless patient. Why do you insist on helping me? Jimin too. You said it's all part of your job, but something tells me you don't treat other patients like how you treat me...

You said I should write my fears or worries if they're eating at me, and I just want to say that I'm scared of being alone, and I'm scared of being uncertain. Before my incident I was someone who wouldn't get scared easily and wouldn't cry easily, simply because I thought it would make me look weak, but here you've taught me that it's okay. Are you sure it's okay? It sometimes feels like I'm falling apart and I'm sorry that it always seems like I'm taking one step forward and two steps back. It's just hard for me.

But there's something else I'm worried about...

I'm scared that I'm catching feelings for you. I know you don't feel the same, and I know I'm not supposed to like my doctor... it's just... I can't help it, and I think I needed to get that off my chest. You're not like a doctor to me anymore, you're more like a close friend.

But part of me doesn't want to be just friends, and it makes me feel so, so guilty.

One thing I do know though is that my heart may not be in good shape, but it knows what it feels or what it wants, and I don't know what to do about it, but I want you. You care so much for me, I have to give something back at some point. I have to repay you for saving me! Because you haven't just saved my body, Taehyung,

You've saved my life.

- Jungkook (the annoying patient U・x・U)