Darkness and Hope

Chapter 55

When I woke up around 10 am I washed my face and went straightly to see my boy. He was still the same and the doctor said that he didn't get better but he also didn't get worse. I didn't know what to think, what is good or bad? I watched him for a while from far, so innocent, so little, and defenseless and still fighting to live. My cell vibrated inside the back pocket of my jeans. It was Katy letting me know James was asleep and that Cayla was alright. They had taken her for a walk. She was indeed my best friend. I looked at Cullen one more time and then decided I would go home.

There was nothing I could do in there to help him but wait, and I wanted to have a proper shower. So, I thought to step by home to change, have a shower and talk to James. I was going to give it another try. I drove thinking about the way I would pull out the subject again. I thought about a dozen ways of asking him again what was wrong with him, but then none of them seemed efficient enough or good enough. After all, I had been asking him every day and every day he said it was nothing. Clearly, it was something, and something he didn't want to tell me. Something that made him cry because he'd get tears in his eyes every time we talked about it. I thought about what the possibilities could have been but none were conclusive. Women had been my best shot, but then the comfortable way he denied it put that chance aside. I thought and thought but nothing turns out as you think...

When I entered the door of my house everything was silent and I felt my anger taking advantage. I ran upstairs to our room ready to kick his ass, but when I opened the door I found him sleeping still dressed... I stayed still watching him for seconds. He was laid on his stomach completely crashed on the bed. Not even with a pillow under his head, not even a cover over his body and still with his shoes on. Another possibility simply clicked on my mind. I looked at him in horror, shocked and with tears in my eyes.

"Oh God..." I whispered running a hand through my hair.

I decided to let him sleep for a while longer. He was so passed out that he didn't even move despite the noise I was making in the room choosing something to wear. The noise of the drawers and doors of the closed opening and closing weren't enough not even to make him blink an eye. I took the clean clothes to the bathroom and ran the water. When it was warm enough, I put myself under it with a million thoughts running through my mind.

"Oh James..." I whispered all alone.

My heart was beating a mile per second and my mind racing in anticipation. I closed the water and began to dry myself just as the same time James burst into the bathroom and kneeled in front of the toilet. He didn't feel my presence and his vomits took all of his full attention. I stayed still watching him heaving and puking with his head stuck on the toilet. Everything was just getting so clear and I almost didn't need his words. His vomits subsided, but he kept kneeled on the floor and I saw his shoulders shaking. He was crying.

"Oh fuck..." He mumbled leaning his elbows on the toilet with is hands on the back of his head, sobbing low.

I kept on drying myself quietly. He was with his back turned to me and his shoulders were still shaking. I gave him some time and then I could no longer wait.

"Do you need some tea?" I broke the silence.

James raised his head but didn't turn around immediately. I guess he needed some time to process the fact that he wasn't alone in there. He took his hand to his face and cleaned his tears, then he just got up and looked at me. His eyes bloodshot, swollen. He looked terrible and out of words to tell me.

"Do you need anything?" I asked again, despite all I was calm. Shocked but calm.

"You're here." He said.