Lirry: Amnesia

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by 0liviafoster

by 0liviafoster

I drove by all the places we used to hang out getting wasted
I thought about our last kiss, how it felt, the way you tasted

Harry stares into space as he remembers the time he asked Liam on a date. He remembers the initial anticipation, knowing it was coming he liked it or not, the rush of it all, and waiting for the gentle float where he could appreciate every moment in the presence of what is Liam. Just Liam. He took him to an elegant place, and after a few protests from the muscular boy he finally paid for their meal, telling him it was a date.

Harry seems to drive around the places he went with Liam, just because the memories are fresher in each place. He goes to the bakery right in front of Liam's place, where they would eat every once in a while when Harry stayed over. There's also 'The Echo', a club they use to go to, a lot, but it's not the same without Liam. When Harry goes he drinks his pain and numbness, passing away after a while. When he went with Liam they danced passionately and blew each other in the bathroom. Those were the days, man.

There's one place though he can't seem to visit, because it's just too painful. It holds a single memory. Liam tasted like something sweet, perhaps bubblegum, and Harry adored it. His lips were like a drug, they were air and Harry couldn't breathe. He remembers Liam's lips as a delicate piece of wonderland, along with everything that Liam is as a whole.

And even though your friends tell me you're doing fine

Are you somewhere feeling lonely even though he's right beside you?

When he says those words that hurt you, do you need the ones I wrote you?

Harry hates how Zayn, Louis and Niall tell him how Liam's doing fine with this Aaron guy, who they don't want to admit is Liam's new boyfriend, but deep down, Harry knows there's more to it. Harry sees the forced smiles, forced hand grabbing, and it's all too familiar to Liam's relationship before he came out as gay.

The lonely nights Harry spends at home are the worst, though. Those nights where he closes his eyes and the memories of Liam and him flash through his mind like a movie. There's times when he feels awfully cold, his heart aching and tears threatening to spill from his empty green eyes, just by wondering how Liam's doing, how did he get by without him. He knows he's "happy" with Aaron and yes, fuck, he's happy Liam's happy, but he wishes he were the reason for Liam's smile.

It's funny how Harry's been mopping like a cry baby and crying over Liam, when he's so done with Harry, he moved on so quickly. Wasn't what they had real? Harry thought it was, it made him feel something, made him feel real...like he was worth someone's heart. Apparently he was wrong, Liam never wanted him and that makes him want to burst into a million pieces.

He remembers the songs he used to write for him, the songs he composed himself. He remembers how he asked Niall for guitar lessons just to compose Liam a song on his birthday. He doesn't regret it, though, not one bit. Harry doesn't accept it's all over now, it all happened too fast. One moment they were under Harry's sheets, legs and hearts intertwined and "I love you's" in the air. What the hell happened to them?

I remember the day you told me you were leaving
I remember the tears running down your face
And the dreams you left behind you didn't need them
Like every single wish we ever made
I wish that I could wake up with amnesia
And forget about the stupid little things
Like the way it felt to fall asleep next to you
And the memories I never can escape
'Cause I'm not fine at all

Harry keeps reliving the day Liam left. How Liam went to his house and didn't say much. He has the memory so goddamn fresh it still haunts him, pains him. It was as if Liam didn't wanted that, the tears were evident, falling freely down his beautiful cheeks. What made Harry cry the most was all the words left unsaid between them, and all the dreams left behind.

It's not pretty to wake up every day feeling and looking like shit. He still feels Liam's fingertips lingering on his skin, the smell of Liam still evident on his pillow and it's all too much, it's overwhelming and he wants out. He wishes he could wake up and not know where he's even standing at, because that way it would be easier, not knowing who he is or who Liam is. It's stupid, yes, but he can still see Liam at times, walking around the flat only in his black tight boxers, muscles and abs on full show, only for Harry to admire. The worst part of it all is that no matter what he does, he can't escape the memories.

The pictures that you sent me they're still living in my phone
I'll admit I like to see them, I'll admit I feel alone
And all my friends keep asking why I'm not around
It hurts to know you're happy, yeah, it hurts that you've moved on
It's hard to hear your name when I haven't seen you in so long

The fact that Harry agrees on going out with the lads doesn't have to do with the fact that he wants to get Liam off his mind at least for a few hours, no. Definitely no. It has to do more with the fact that he wants to get smashed, probably because of Liam, too. They head to a pub near Niall's called 'The Lucky Charm' and wow; it's not a surprise coming from the blond lad. Once they're in, they head straight to the bar, sitting down on the stools, laughing obnoxiously at something Louis said, but Harry isn't paying attention, at all.

A few -or more than a few- drinks later they're all woozy and giddy, being all flirty with the other. Harry watches from afar as Zayn and Niall dry hump Louis, who's too drunk too care. Harry joins them and takes out his phone, motioning Niall to take a picture. They get closer and stick their tongues out, yelling 'we're fucked!' at the top of their lungs as Niall takes the selfie. For the first time in weeks, Harry smiles a genuine smile as he sees the picture, he scrolls to see the others and his breath hitches when he sees the devil himself, pouting at him cutely. Fucking Liam. He stares at the picture for a good five minutes, admiring the Greek God that Liam is.

It was Zayn's birthday, and Louis snapped the picture of them. They're both pouting because both of them wanted the other to get some cake and it was a beautiful moment. Harry feels the tears building up and he can't cry, no, he doesn't want to. All of a sudden he feels alone in a room full of people, how ironic.

If today I woke up with you right beside me
Like all of this was just some twisted dream
I'd hold you closer than I ever did before
And you'd never slip away
And you'd never hear me say

Even though Harry "hates" Liam for breaking his heart, he would so gladly take him back. He loves him, with no strings attached, no explanations, he just does. After everything, he would take him back; everything it would take is an apology from Liam, as simple as that. It may seem as if Harry doesn't respect himself or as if he's weak, but he's neither, he's just a hopeless romantic and so in love it's impossible to say no to Liam's puppy face.

Sometimes, Harry thinks it's all a dream and that Liam will step on his door anytime and kiss him senseless, but that doesn't seem to happen at all. He would hold Liam so tight if he were to come back, he would cherish him like nobody else did, treat him like the king he is. Heck, Harry would even spoil him a little bit, just for good measure. And maybe, just maybe, Liam wouldn't slip away again.

'Cause I'm not fine at all
No, I'm really not fine at all
Tell me this is just a dream
'Cause I'm really not fine at all