Impossibly His

Chapter Twenty-Nine

The music shook through my body, each beat rumbling in my chest. I moved to the rhythm, throwing my arms into the air, taking a long sip from the solo cup in my hand. Natasha cheered me on as she danced beside me.

Hours ago she had called me, her name flashing across my phone screen. Natasha and I had really bonded over the last few months and I was beginning to consider her a good friend. She was a wild and spontaneous person, and she always gave me some of the best advice.

"Do you want to know what I think?" She had asked me, a daring tone in her voice.

"What's that?" I had questioned.

"I think you need to get that asshole out of your head and have some fun with me tonight." She told me. "You're going to clean yourself up, put on some makeup and your sexiest dress, and come with me to my sister's party. It will be fun!"

I found myself feeling excited. This was the first party I would be going to without a man by my side, and I was free to do whatever I wanted. A part of me felt good knowing I was free, even if it was only for tonight. I would need to face everything eventually, but tonight, I could forget.

I showered for the first time in days, running my fingers through my knotted hair. The steady sound of the water droplets hitting the ground and my own treacherous thoughts made me queasy. I felt weak. I couldn't remember the last time I had ate something besides icecream and potato chips. My back hurt, the effects of barely leaving the couch wearing on my body. I hated the person I was becoming.

The weak, unstable girl that was controlling my body was not me. I was absent, watching the world play out from a distance.

I had not been going to school, terrified to see the judgmental faces waiting for me. Maya had been bringing my schoolwork home for me under the guise that I had the flu, and the work was a great distraction. It was now Friday night, and despite doing nothing all week I felt utterly exhausted.

I had a panic attack because I couldn't find a dress.

The weirdest part about depression is that sometimes the smallest things push you over the edge. It swallows you, tugging you down into a dark place. You doubt yourself. You detach yourself from reality. You have panic attacks over stupid dresses. It feels like there isn't anything else you can do.

I arrived at Natasha's house a flustered mess, with red splotchy cheeks and puffy eyes. She knew what to do, slapping a pound of makeup on my face and a tight black dress on my body. I couldn't appreciate the way it hugged my curves, or the way it made my breasts look ripe. I didn't feel much of anything.

A few drinks and some dancing later I was feeling more relaxed.

"Clare, this is my sister, Trinity," Natasha said as she gestured over to a woman with gorgeous, dark locks. "And these are our friends..."

I zoned in and out of introductions, not in the mood to think or memorize the names of the strangers around me. Tonight, I just wanted to get wasted and have fun.

"...You already know these two morons," she rolled her eyes at Raquel and Jules, who laughed at her name calling.

"Hello, pretty lady," Raquel purred, draping his arm playfully over my shoulders. "Are you ready to have some fun?"

"After the week I've had I need it," I chuckled humorlessly.

"Then I guess it's a good thing they invited the life of the party," he told me coyly.

"Oh, quit being so cocky, Quel," Trinity rolled her eyes, handing everyone a shot glass full of dark liquid. I tipped it back, clenching my eyes shut as the alcohol burned my throat.