Love at First Swipe ✓

Heavy Heart.

I stomp my way back to my desk, sit on my chair, propping my arms on the table in front of me and taking deep breaths, in and out. My phone buzzes next to me and I pick it up to see the name. Arjun. I answer it immediately.

"Why has your phone been switched off all this while? Where were you?"

"Trisha", his background is noisy, "Tara hasn't been doing very well and I had to spend the whole night at her place, taking care of her. I'm still here. My phone ran out of charge, I didn't realise it until now".

"You've been with her all night?"

A thousand thoughts are running through my head as I ask him that question. But most importantly, what blanks all these is the rush of hurt.

"Yeah, I had to. It just felt like good old days... Listen, can you meet me in one hour at my place?"

"Aren't you going to work?"

Now I'm beyond just hurt. I'm actually confused and shook. He probably is skipping work.

"I don't think I will be for the next two weeks. She needs me. Just quickly tell me if you can meet me".

"Just you and me, right?"

"No, actually.. Tara is shifting to my house for a couple of days. She's just.. people have been outside her house.. media, a few protestors.. she needs a safe space", he explains.

I cannot believe this. I really can't. How could he bring another woman to his house? How?

"Oh. I'll see you in an hour", I say and hang up. I can feel myself breaking, like it's all happening all over again. I'm losing people in my life, I'm being pushed into a void of loneliness again.

One thing my mom always told me is that, no matter how nice you are to people, they will find ways to hurt you. They will use your vulnerability against you. Ayesha and I did that to each other. She broke my heart, I broke hers. I won't let Arjun do that to me. I can't. I know only one way to stop this from happening. I have to do it myself. I have to do something that would hurt me the most. I need to counter the pain that's filling me with something stronger.

I almost try to convince myself to hurt physically. But I know I can't. I'm not brave enough. I can't even hold a sharp object, let alone rip a piece of my skin apart. I feel myself spiralling down into a series of mixed emotions, most of it taking me back to the exact same moments I spent alone, locked up in my room, after my mom died. I ate nothing, didn't sleep, didn't see a ray of light for weeks because I wanted to physically feel the hurt. I wanted the hunger, the lack of sleep or light to consume and control me and not the pain of my mom's loss.

I stand up from my place weakly, take a sip of water and walk towards Karan's cabin. I open the door without knocking, my legs and hands involuntarily controlling my body and carrying me forward to his table, as he watches me puzzled.

"I can't stop her if she wants to file a case. I can't. But she asked me to help her to file one, I can only deny that. I need access to your account. This is the final deal, take it or leave it", I firmly tell him. I don't even feel myself saying these words, it's just like they are involuntarily slipping out of my mouth, in an attempt to use the article to distract myself.

"You can't tell anyone I gave you the access. Whatever consequences follow, you deal with them alone", he tells me. I've always dealt with everything alone.

"Talking about consequences, I hope you deal with them someday".

"What can I say, Trisha? Consequences don't knock on the doors of bad people".

"I guess I figured that out the hard way".

"Philosophical. Not bad", he comments, grabbing a paper and roughly scribbling his login credentials onto it, "I hope this brave move of yours doesn't land you in jail".