The Critics

Critique 12

Critique made by: unhappykitten

Story: A Little Braver

Author: amarANNEth

Critic’s note:

Hi! Before anything else, I’d like to acknowledge your bravery for letting us criticize your work. I also want to remind you that what you are going to read below is only based on my views and knowledge. This is a way to get criticism from others and is not intended to offend you. :)

TITLE:

When I read your title, I felt like it is a kind of novel that turned into a movie. Honestly, it is quite confusing but I don’t suggest changing it, it has a significant relation to your whole story and you had your reason.

BOOK COVER:

The background you used is nice but did you ask yourself if it connects to your title? ‘A Little Braver’ where is the word brave in the photo? You used happy couple in the background but how about the word ‘brave’?
When making a book cover you must also consider correlating it to the title. Is the smile of the girl meant brave? Or was it the guy’s? Dito pa lang sa part na ‘to marami na akong tanong. Try recreating the book cover if you can.

BLURB/SYNOPSIS:

When you described Storm’s character, you wrote ‘he is all the negative words you can compile to a statement’. Make sure that if you put that sentence in the blurb, it should be proven in the novel. You meant that he is all the negative words. Try removing that sentence because when you say ‘all negative words’ it includes ALL as in ALL. Failure is a negative word, but he’s not. Immature is a negative word, but he’s not.

Use correct words because every word is remarked on your reader’s mind. Once you used a wrong one, minus points ‘yon sa novel mo.

STORY CONTENT/PLOT:

Nang nasa kalahati ako ng story mo, napansin ko na medyo mabagal ang takbo ng story pero okay lang naman at mukhang hindi minamadali. Hindi naman race ang pagsulat kaya no need to change.

I also noticed that your story is unique which is hard to make. Though napatanong ako, ‘how come Storm hasn’t gone to a doctor yet he is somewhat suffering from hallucination?”. Lagi niyang tinatanong ang sarili niya sa umpisa pero hindi niya na-consider magpa-check up. 
Pero your idea is unique talaga. Kudos!

CHARACTERS:

Maganda, maayos, well-described. ‘Yan ang masasabi ko dahil nakikita ko talaga ang mga characters sa isipan ko. Wala akong nakitang mali which is nice. : )

SETTINGS:

Napansin kong hindi masyadong na-describe ang itsura ng setting. Lalo nang nasa bahay-ampunan, hindi ko ma-visualize ang buong lugar. You may try making your readers feel what the characters are feeling when they’re at a one place. Mas effective ‘yon.

NARRATION AND DIALOGUE:

You used third POV which has no issue in making a novel. It has the power to the both character’s feeling which is why the 28 chapter-length of your novel is understandable. Mas napapadali at nagiging maikli ang pag-describe sa both characters when using that kind of POV kaya siguro 28 chapters lang. Pero nagkukulangan sa explanation minsan. Katulad nang nagyaya mag bahay-bahayan ang mga bata, wala kang nilagay na part kung saan naglaro sila, ang bilis ng takbo ng kwento na sa parteng nagyaya sila maglaro ay ang naka-narrate lang ay ‘even though he still feels uneasy, he just go with the flow,’ ta’s bigla mong inilagay ang part na tinatali ni Storm ang buhok ng bata. Hindi ba’t mas maganda kung dahan-dahan lang ?

Try giving every part of your story a significant value. Nang may bandang part na binigyan ni Jacob ng laruan si Jillian, did you ask yourself what it gave to your story? I did not see Xianne’s reaction when Storm said he will be going to give all the toys the kids want.

Also, you are telling the readers of what’s happening. You should show, not tell. ‘He felt pity towards them’ try making it like he is actually feeling it, like, ‘he pitied them’.

TECHNICALITIES:

Lagi kong nakikita ang pagpapalit mo ng tense, you used present tense and then you used past tense again.

I also noticed that you used the words ‘din’ and ‘rin’ incorrectly.

Use ‘din’ when the past word you used ended with a consonant except w and y, and use ‘rin’ when the word before it, ended with a vowel or with w and y.

MESSAGE FROM THE CRITIC:

Hi! Keep up the good work. Maganda ang idea mo sa story. I will continue reading it when it’s already done.