Norman x Reader || SAUDADE

33-D-readful

Time felt as if it was frozen for eternity, creating a slight distortion right at that moment, silently capturing the dyad immersing in their own state of mind. 

My mind went blank, shoving me into an immediate state of shock. Norman was sleeping a while ago, and the next minute he told me several nonsensical words as what someone would do in a drunken stupor. I do love him, but this is not how I want to be loved back like. Clearly, his mind has been clouded with despair from losing the person he loves and being apart from them for a long period of time, to the point of it blurring out all of his judgments. I'm not the one you love, you've mistaken this feeling as love just because you need someone else to fill that vacant gap in your heart, it's all wrong! With all the strength I have left in my body, I pried my arm away from him and shoved him as hard as I could- away from me. The force I had applied seemed to have thrown him off from the chair he was sitting on, and his eyes were now fully awake and wide probably due to the sudden counter I made. I can feel my heart physically breaking at his perplexed gaze, flustered from the realization of the event that had just occurred. Tears started to fill my eyes, stinging them with a painful burn. 

"How could you do this?" I bit my lip trying to stop the tremble coursing throughout my body. 

His face went pale at how I reacted, and his eyes were glazed with concern and guilt, trying to find answers as to why I behaved like this. 

"I-I'm sorry." He hesitated on his apology. 

I hugged myself trying to at least calm my shaking body due to the crying that had erupted. I shook my head and tried to dampen the sobs I've choked out throughout the whole scene. 

"She's still alive out there, Norman." I said slowly between my sniffs. 

"W-What?" Norman asked once again, with a puzzled look on his face. 

"I don't understand?" He furrowed his brows and took a step closer to where I was. 

"You're not thinking clearly Norman!" I raised my voice a little at his question. 

"I'm not the one you love, you're just in a state of grieve that you're trying to replace her with me." I managed to say. 

"It has never been me, Norman, it's her!" I sobbed even harder. 

From the corner of my eyes, I can see Ray sitting completely still, probably harshly awakened due to the ruckus I've made while freeing myself from Norman. He's not making any movement nor meddle into our banter, he couldn't walk out of the room either. I was feeling very embarrassed for the commotion I've made, I was not even aware of my imprudent behavior nor the other people around me. 

"I'm sorry." I muttered before taking my leave out of the room as soon as I said what I needed to say. 

I immediately rushed back to my room, trying to find solitude amidst the remorse and anguish of heartbreak. It was a bleak night, and throughout it all, it was filled with my undying cries, no one would ever know of.

Dawn appeared all too soon, sparing nothing from it's glorious light. My eyes were a little swollen and red from all the tears I shed last night. I knew that I am definitely not in my best condition, my thoughts are disarrayed, so I decided to do some last minute revision for the upcoming exam I'm about to take. I went down to the main entrance before replacing my slippers with my outdoor shoes. I was planning to go to school earlier, attempting to avoid any unnecessary encounter with Norman. 

"________, you're not going to eat breakfast?" Gilda's head popped out from the kitchen, breaking off my trance. 

"Oh, no, I'm just going to buy some bread on the way. I need to collect my thoughts for the test." I smiled apologetically at her.