Finding Abby

18

Finn and I leave Claire and Paddy waving to us from the front door. I hug her so hard before we go. It's like she's part of me; that we already know each other even though we've only just met. She tells me I can call her whenever I want and stay with her whenever I need to.

Our first stop is the deli on Bridge Road to get some of the expensive cheese Alex asked for. I use Ben's credit card again. Sorry Ben, I cringe as I see the amount come up on the cash register. I know I'll pay him back.

I drag my shoes off and rest my feet on the dashboard as we cruise back over the Westgate Bridge with the shining skyscrapers in the rear-view mirror. Dark clouds loom ahead of us and I message Minda while Finn fills up at the servo.

Miss you Minds. So much to tell you. Going home now. Can't text it all. Too much. x

I'm glad I've been honest with her.

Finn comes out of the servo with a packet of cigarettes. I don't know why. He grins at me and says if he's ever going to smoke, it has to be out the side of a cool car, with the window down, and Silent Moth playing on the stereo. I let him go with his weird retro fantasy as we cruise along the highway past kilometres of graffiti fences and McMansions. The suburbs and factories churn past then the orange flat of suburban spread at Rockbank turns into rolling hills and farmland. As soon as we're out of the city I feel better; more like me. I need the space and the light and the air around me. The overbearing skyscrapers and traffic of the city seem constant and oppressive. When we hit the real country, way past Ballarat, Finn tosses the packet of cigarettes at me.

"It's time, J," he says, winding down his window. It's still overcast and dark grey clouds still hang low, billowing like foamy waves in the sky in front of us. "It's time for us to make a vivid experience."

"What are you talking about? What's this 'vivid experience'?" I laugh and hold my hair back where the wind grabs for it through his window. I wind my own window down and the cool breeze catches inside the car and fills it with fresh air.

"It's a Tim Winton thing. We're never going to be in this car, at this moment, at this time, ever again," Finn grins at me. "So, chuck us a ciggie and let's feel the vibe. Put your dad's tape on. Loud. And go with it. I guarantee that's what he'd do. Do it with me, J."

I crank the volume on the stereo and some song about a mountain comes on. I check the song list. Jane's Addiction. It's raw and powerful. A wall of bass notes then wailing guitars drive heavily along like they're part of the car's engine. I tug the plastic off the cigarette packet and prise one out as Finn pushes the lighter into the dashboard and we wait for it to heat up. Sticking my hand out the window, I let the air catch between my fingers as I dance them along in time with the music. I imagine my dad nodding his head in time to the song, letting the beat pound through him; take him over. I wonder if my mum ever let herself go—if she ever listened to the tape; to this song with its heavy riff and repetitive throb—and thought about my dad.

The cigarette lighter pops out. I hand Finn a cigarette and he props it in the corner of his mouth as I pass him the lighter. He sticks the glowing tip on the end of the smoke and breathes in heavily as tiny sparks light up at the end of the cigarette.

"Enjoying your cancer stick?" I laugh, take the lighter back from him and push it in the dashboard to re-light.

Finn coughs out the other side of his mouth and I see his eyes water as he grins at me. "It's pretty foul," he chokes, but he takes a longer breath in and manages to make it look like he's actually smoking the thing. "Join me, J," he says, pinching the cigarette from his mouth, waggling it at me.

I don't really want to, but in this car, with this music playing, I get what we're doing. I prise the cigarette from his fingers, and place it in between my lips, breathe in. I don't do it properly the first time and end up having to hold my hand over my mouth as smoke billows out my nostrils and catches in my throat, scorching my nose hairs.