Finding Abby

26

Minda's mum and dad and her three little brothers are all helping each other down the sandy path. Mum holds down the skirt of her black flowery dress as it billows out around her in the breeze. Minda's mum is at her side, and she says something to Mum and they both nod at me across the crowd.

Minda comes running across the sand to me. She's wearing a bronze Sari that drapes around her and glitters with sequins. With her shining hair and golden skin, she looks like the sun to me.

Claire takes the box with Dad's ashes as Minda hugs me. She smells like sweat and airports. But she is here. We hug each other so hard and the next thing I know, Minda's mum is hugging us too, and she's brushing my hair down on my head, looking down at me with compassionate eyes.

"I reckon we got a speeding ticket," Minda laughs. "But we made it."

"How did you ... how did you get Mum here?"

"She was sitting in her car. In the car park," Minda's Mum says. "When she saw us, she pretended not to be there. But I spoke to her and here she is!"

I squeeze her hand.

Minda's mum bends to my ear and whispers, "I think we were meant to be late."

I thank her, know it's true.

Minda loops her arm in mine and faces the crowd with me as a squeal comes from the back of the crowd. We look through the smiling faces to see Mum and Mara hugging hard, almost like hugs might be on the way out.

I've organised for Claire and Ben and my grandparents to speak about my dad and, while they do, I wrap my arms around Minda and Finn and listen to all these incredible stories about Dad. Then some others come out of the crowd to talk about how they still miss him and how much he meant to them. I know I'm not fully concentrating because relief is sliding through me now Minda and Mum are here.

Then it's time.

I go to the paddle boards and Claire helps me position my dad's box in the middle of one of the wreaths. She presses her hand against the wood and so do lots of other people and I have to chew my bottom lip tight as they all file past and say goodbye.

When Mum comes up, she's holding tight to Mara's hand.

"Hi Jenna," Mara says to me. She's even more stunning up close. Admittedly she's got a lot of make up on but she reminds me of someone you'd see reading the news, or presenting a morning show – everything perfect and in its place. The opposite of me. I can tell she's looking me over and sizing me up too.

"It's great to meet you," I say. "You're not so ... goth anymore?"

Mara lets out a rolling laugh and shakes her head. "Oh my god!" She pulls Mum in close and shakes her gently. "That was a sad phase, hey Abs? We were the biggest goths around. Oh my god, so tragic. I mean, it was fun, but in summer – no thanks. I remember standing in the queue for the Big Day Out sweating my arse off because I had on a hundred layers of velvet and lace. What the hell? We were just messing around, right Abs?" She lets out another laugh and Mum looks down at the sand. "Teenagers. Hilarious. So glad I'm all grown up now. And I'm so glad I'm here. Ben and I have been waiting for ages and ages to meet you."

Letting out a small cry, she crushes me into a pillowy hug with Mum squashed in between us. Her expensive perfume stays with me even when we're not hugging any more. She kneels and puts both her hands around the box and whispers something under her breath, then stands and lets Mum have her turn.

I can tell Mum doesn't know what to do. She doesn't dare to kneel in the sand or touch the wooden box with everyone watching. When she glances at me, her mouth is wavering, and she has to clutch her hands to stop them trembling. I can see she's really struggling to hold it together. I don't want to draw attention to her.

I pick one of the roses from the wreath and pass it to her then I kneel in front of the box and look up at her. She bends down and kneels on the sand with me and meets my eyes over the top of the white rose.

"Thank you," she whispers to me before she slides the rose into the vines of the wreath and touches the box with a flat hand. She whispers something I can't hear but when she looks up at me, her eyes are full of tears and she reaches to take my hand.

"Beautiful, Jenna," she murmurs, linking her fingers in mine. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

I swallow my tears, embarrassed with myself that I was so angry with her for not showing up. Now she's here I can see how much she is suffering.

But she is here, and that's all that matters.

I squeeze her hand and help her up from the sand. Mara wraps an arm around her waist and helps her move away.

As Ben starts playing my dad's songs on his guitar, Finn, Alex and I drag our paddle boards across the sand to the water. The wooden box rests in its nest of flowers on my board. Finn helps me get on mine. With the soft breath of the water lapping at my ankles, I know this is the right thing to do and that Dad would've wanted to be amongst the waves.

I sit upright on the board and paddle out straight into the middle of the bay with Finn and Alex behind me. In the distance, Ben's guitar sprinkles across the sound of the waves and the wind. The sticky saltiness of the sea breeze is gentle on my skin. It ripples through my hair and the leaves and flowers that surround the box I've been entrusted with.

As I paddle, I say goodbye to my dad. I tell him I love him and that I wish I could have met him and how I'll make every moment count in his memory from now on. I get to the spot I've marked out. It's at the tip of the point where the lighthouse is, but right in the middle of the bay, close enough to the rip so I know my dad's ashes will be carried away out to sea. I can also see this spot from all the other beaches so, whenever I go for a swim, I'll be able to see him in the light on the water. The lighthouse gives me comfort that there will always be something, someone, looking out for Dad in the night-time, even out here, in the depths of the cool, blue ocean.

Finn and Alex position themselves close to me, and we form a circle.

Finn says, "Let's sit out here a bit, J. Listen to the waves and the silence and be still for him."

The lid of the wooden box is cool under my palm, and I lower my chin and the waves lap around us, and seagulls cry overhead. I breathe in the salty, crisp air; close my eyes and fill my lungs with it, broad and wide and alive. My dad's face is all in my head and I let my tears fall on the top of the box, dropping onto the surface, mingling with the spray from the waves. I open my eyes when Finn's foot loops around mine. He's gazing at me with tender eyes as his sandy hair tousles in the breeze.

Alex has his head lowered, his hands resting flat on the wreath of flowers.

He lifts his eyes and looks at me, then Finn. "Jenna, I've been thinking a lot, but I've worked it out. Of all the cheeses, your dad is the D'affinois."

My eyes start to well up even though I have no idea what he's talking about.

"I mean," he says, "he was easy. Down to earth but inside he was creative – seriously silky-smooth. Everyone wanted him around and couldn't get enough of him. He was generous and dangerously more-ish."

I lift my eyes and swallow down a gulp. Finn is grinning at Alex as we bob on top of the water. Alex is looking at me with a sad expression. He's being so beautifully serious and I'm trying to work out whether I want to laugh or cry. Alex's comparison of my dad to cheese is perfect. I glance at Finn and he's making a face at me.

I lean across and squeeze Alex's thigh. "Thanks, Alex. That sounds exactly right."

The time has come to say goodbye.

Matthew James Ellis.

Matty.

My dad.

Dad.

I unscrew the lid of the box.

Inside is the grey dust that used to be the person who loved my mum so much they couldn't breathe. The man who took his last breath in a place he should've come home from.

I glance at Finn, and he's still got his foot wrapped around mine.

And, as we lift up and down on the beat of the waves, I lean forward and tilt the box so Dad becomes part of the water and the earth and the world again.

Then he is gone.