Finding Abby

24

I'm still in the lounge with Ben when Mum comes in from the back and says she's got something to show me. She's dressed in the black floral dress she wore to the pub. I know she's put it on ready for when we go down to the beach later. She looks so pretty in it. It fits her small frame perfectly and makes her skin look clear and bright.

I follow her into her bedroom which is unfamiliar to me because I haven't been in there much. I remember when I was little, I'd come in and snuggle up with her when I had a nightmare, and she'd let me climb into her bed under the covers next to her. At first it was okay, but as I got older, she'd turn her back to me. I'd lie in the darkness and listen to her breath going in and out and neither of us would sleep. We'd be stiff and alert and aware of each other. I learned not to bother her after a while.

Today the sun streams in through the open window and she has a colourful patchwork throw over her bed. A heavy Art Deco wardrobe sits in the corner with the door open. I can see a row of black clothes and some scarves and shoes inside.

"I wanted to give this to you," Mum says, pointing to the floor at the box from the shed. The one where I found the mixtape and Mum's journal. It seems like years ago, but it was only week ago.

So much has happened since then.

"I can't really remember what's in it." Mum perches on the edge of the bed; puts her hands on her knees. "I thought you could look through it later. I think there are some pictures of ... Matty ... in there. And some notes he wrote to me. I don't know."

I sink to my knees next to the box and put my hand on its dusty top. It's like a treasure chest to me.

I stare up at Mum. "Are you sure?"

Mum presses her hands firmly into her knees, straightening her back and her elbows. "I'm sure. I mean, it must be today considering what we're doing this afternoon. But I think it's fine."

"Will you look through it with me later?"

"If you want me to."

I open the top of the box and on the top is The Disappointed's E.P. with Mum's photo on the front and the song that Silent Moth covered on it – the song Mum says no one knows the truth about – whatever that means. I run my hand over the cracked cover. Even though the picture is blurry, Mum looks happy.

When I open the CD and slide the booklet out, the disc flashes up at me. It's a folded insert. I peel it open and inside is a picture of the band. My dad leans against a wall in a graffitied laneway with Ben close behind, cigarette hanging out of his lips. The drummer and bass player are behind, looking down at the ground, nonchalant and sullen. My dad looks so good. It's such a great picture of him. He's looking right into the camera like he's looking at me.

I glance up at Mum and she bends over and takes the booklet from me, turning it over in her hands.

"The song Silent Moth covered is on here — the one Dad and Ben wrote," I say, pointing it out to her as I sit next to her on the bed. "What was that thing you said about it the other day? The thing no one knows the truth about?"

Mum presses her fingers to her lips before she closes the CD and hands it back to me. I run my palm over the cool plastic cover and look at her smile in the photo that stretches wide and warm. I wait for her to talk. I've learned she needs time. She doesn't blurt stuff out like I do.

"It's ... it's not something I can..." she manages to say before her voice fades out and I know it's not a question she won't be able to answer. Not now anyway. "There is something else I need to tell you."

"Okay," I say, flattening my hand over the CD. "But you'll tell me about the song when you're ready, won't you? Please?"

Mum's eyes meet mine and she nods.