Finding Abby

21

"Jenna," Mum says, raising her dark eyes to me. "I'm sorry."

I wait.

For more.

Mum bends down and picks up her wine glass again. She turns to Ben and gives him an imploring look.

I drop my knees and stare at her. She looks back at the fireplace, tightens the blanket at her neck and sips on her wine.

"Is that all?" I blink at Ben. "Is she fucking kidding me?"

Mum purses her lips and I see her button herself back up. Closed. Tight.

"Is that it?" I ask Ben again. "Is that all she's got to say to me?"

Ben drops his chin; shakes his head. "Abs," he says in a low voice, "come on."

Mum shakes her head back at him. "What else do you want me to say?"

I grip my head and press my palms to my temples. "What's wrong with you?"

Mum sits up straight and glowers at me. "What do you want from me, Jenna? Haven't I given you ... everything? I've left you alone to do whatever you want. And, now, you've got money from ... that song." She waves her hand at me as if she's dismissing me. "You're an adult. All grown up. I've done my job haven't I? What else do you want from me?"

I drop my hands. I can't believe she's asking me that question.

All I see is her cold, sharp face in the photo next to my dad's warm, soft, smiling face.

The deep cut she just made through my heart turns from hurt to rage.

My whole body starts to shake.

I glare at her while I grip the edge of the couch cushion. I can't stand to look at her sitting across from me in the firelight all tucked up and cosy, as if everything's fine and we're on the cover of Home Beautiful magazine.

"I've read your journal," I mumble under my breath with a quaking voice, piercing my glare at her.

Mum blinks. "What?" She looks at Ben. "What did she say?"

"I'm right here," I say, beating my trembling fist against my chest. "Look at me!" I decide I don't care what I say anymore. I let it all out in one massive, fiery blow. "I know about Mara. I know you liked Ben. I know you turned into a stupid goth so you could hide behind a costume because you didn't know who you were. I know all about your parents and how they told you to grow up and you couldn't handle it so you removed them from your life. I know how much you hated them. And I know how Mara told you to get your shit together so you switched her off too. I know how you fucked Dad in the back of Ben's van and you didn't like it and couldn't even talk to him about—" Ben touches my shoulder. I shake his hand off. I sit forward, still gripping the cushions in my tight fists; I have to press my feet to the floor to stop my knees quivering. I hiss at Mum through my teeth, "And wow! Sorry, Abby, from that shitty first-time one-off experience - you got me! Sorry if I inconvenienced you—"

Ben goes to say something but closes his mouth and I'm glad he does because I'm sick of being told to shut up. Mum doesn't look at Ben or me; keeps her eyes low. She places her glass carefully on the tiles by the fire and rubs her hand over her face.

I tighten my mouth and feel the turmoil inside me boiling hot and heavy through my heartbeat. I sit back on the couch and grip my hands together.

"What hurts most is that I could've been with Claire or Ben this whole time instead of festering here with you. There's this whole other world out there that I could've been part of. And you kept it hidden from me!" The mixtape is under the cushion and I prise it out. I look at my dad's writing on the cover and wish more than anything he was still alive. "Here's your fucking tape!" I throw the tape at Mum. She flinches away as it clatters onto the tiles. The cassette flies out of the cover; skids along the polished slate. "It obviously means more to you than I do—"