Becoming Brett

20. Enlist

My lips are still tingling, slightly swollen from James and I in my wagon earlier. It's distracting, my thoughts not wanting to focus on my homework but rather him.

About how everything will change once we're out of this town. I want to move to a big city, one where we can get lost in the crowds. James isn't completely sold but I think once we got there he'd change his mind. I think I could be closer to what he wants when I don't have to worry about bumping into someone I know.

We could start over fresh.

The norm could be us together, people wouldn't question it like how they don't with Wes and I. Everyone knows that if they see Wes I'm never too far away and vice versa. We could make it that way for James and I once we move. It wouldn't be weird for us to constantly be together or have a place together. We'd just be a pair.

I already have a list of colleges that I've applied too, my applications had been my focus over the summer, in between the music lessons and the sneaking off to see James when the opportunities presented themselves. But there's one college in particular that I'm hoping to get in. I haven't told either of my parents, they're expectations for me much higher than my own. It's a classic case of them wanting me to be a surgeon or a lawyer, something that will set me up for success and a heart attack at the young age of forty. I'd rather do something a little more low key, something that speaks to the introvert that I am.

Most people strive for Yale or Harvard, any of the big names but the thought of going to such a prestigious school completely overwhelms me. I've got my eyes set on a college in Seattle, about as far away from my parents as I can get, more affordable than Yale or Harvard.

I want to be a biochemist.

And I want James there with me.

I've been checking the website for the University of Washington like its my religion. I don't know what I'm expecting, for it change, for it suddenly know my secrets and one day I'll navigate to the page and in big red blaring letters it'll out me. It's ridiculous, I know but the fears still live in my head.

"What are you up to?" My dad's voice sounds from my door and I jump a mile where I'm perched at my desk.

Instantly I spin in my chair, trying to block my computer screen as best as I can. My heart is thundering in my chest as I swallow down fear and meet my dad's face.

"Just homework." I lie, I haven't made any progress since I've been home.

He steps into my room, his clothes pristine still even though he's had them on all day, his suit immaculate and wrinkle free.

"Is that a college you're looking at?" He points behind me, crossing my floor as he sits at the edge of my bed.

It's a habit for him, lifting the corner of my comforter to make sure that my sheets are folded and tucked into crisp hospital corners. They are. He smooths the fabric back down into place.

"Oh." I glance over my shoulder. "Yeah, just thought it might be good to keep applying. Just incase."

"That's smart." His head bobs, approval in his demeanor and for a second I wonder if he wants to me to go into detail even though my explanation is sort of a lie. I've already applied.

"You could always enlist." He says. "Worked out well for me." A tight laugh blows out of him, his head shaking. "I know it's not your thing but..."

This isn't the first time he's brought up me enlisting. It's been a relatively common subject my entire life. But I'm not cut out for the military. I'd probably die in basic training, athleticism is not my strong suit.

"Dad, I-."

Its just another way I'm letting him down. Both my parents actually, my mom grew up as a military kid too, probably why her and my dad get along so well.

"No, no, I know." He smiles, all his rigidness fading slightly. "You and your mom have had your hearts set on Yale since the end of time."

Smile. Smile Brett.

It's forced but I manage one. "Yeah, Yale."

My mom's had her heart set on it once she realized Juilliard was never going to be a thing for me. As a kid sure, I'd tell anyone I was going to go to Yale, back before when the world was shiny and everyone told me I could be anything I wanted to, have whatever I wanted.

They lied.

And as the realization that they did started to surface in my mind things began to shift. The things I had been told I wanted suddenly didn't seem to fit into the life I saw for myself.

Yale was one of those things. Along with being a surgeon and having a wife and two kids.

Those were more my mom's dreams. Maybe she would have finished college if she hadn't gotten pregnant with me. And maybe she would have had two kids if I hadn't almost killed her when she was in labor but that's not how things went.

My dad reaches his hand toward me, ruffling up my hair. It's always a mess, my curls damn near untamable especially because I hate it short. My ears stick out too much.

"Just wanted to remind you that it's an option. Has a lot of good benefits too. Pension, healthcare, tuition aid." His voice is light and playful as he lists all the pros.

He just wants whats best for me. What he thinks is best for me.

Problem is, what I think is best and what he does don't line up. Not even a little.

"Alright." He stands from where he was sitting on the edge of my bed, his hand falling from the top of my head to my shoulder where he pats it. "I'll let you get back to work then."

"Thanks dad." This smile comes easier than the first.

He passes through my doorframe with a "Love you son."

"Love you too dad." I call after him and when I'm sure he's far enough down the hallway I let the heaviest sigh deflate my body.

Is it normal to feel defeated? I'm only eighteen. Shouldn't I have a lifetime for life to beat me down?

                               ————————

Everyone throw a party. Face to face happens next week! Thank god I made it through virtual school. It was questionable there for a minute. 😅