Becoming Brett

30. Moonlight Sonata

Wes is tense beside me. He has been since I got to his dad's. Quiet and zoned out, rigid beside me. He's holding in his tics.

I'm not doing much better though. I can feel James watching me, trying to get me to turn my focus toward him but I know that if I do I'll throw myself at him.

It's like I'm trying to make up for lost time. But now is not the place.

"This pizza is missing onions." Ellie states, poking her pizza like it's diseased. "Who doesn't put onions on a pizza? Let alone "the works"? Grace never gets our order wrong."

Savannah glares at Ellie but of course Ellie is paying more attention to her pizza.

"It's fine." James says.

And I follow it up with "you'll live".

The last thing Wes needs is his dad overhearing Ellie complain about how Grace is better at movie night pizza ordering. Ellie apparently doesn't realize there's an unspoken competition between divorced parents. One trying to out do the other.

Wes tics beside me, mumbling sorry after.

I watch the whole thing unfold as Savannah shoves Ellie and Ellie shouts at her. Her pizza sliding from the plate that's balanced on her leg until it hits the white carpet below. The carpet instantly stains with red sauce and I jump to my feet to try and prevent something. What, I'm not sure.

The girls start bickering and I'm vaguely aware of Wes tic-ing behind me but I stop dead as James and I almost bump into each other, him having a similar thought as me apparently. But panic catches me within inches of our contact and I go stiff as I try to keep my emotions in check because of course as soon as his eyes meet mine a list of things tear through my thoughts.

None of them I can do here or now.

I take off toward the mud room, needing space. Distance from James and all the things I want to say and do to him. My body wants to betray me, his close proximity sending my heart racing and my fingers twitching to touch him. I fist them in my hair as I find myself coming to a halt in the mud room.

What is wrong with me?

Why do I have to be like this? Why do I have to pretend like I'm not this?

Frustration overwhelms me as I teeter back and forth on having James but keeping him a secret so I can have my life too. The fear of losing him still tightly gripped around my thoughts because even though he's talking to me I know it's just a matter of time. It'll all come back around.

When do I get to not feel like I'm drowning in despair?

My head rocks back, eyes shut, images of James dancing across my closed eyelids as I breath out a sigh of defeat.

Someone clears their throat from the doorway and my heart leaps into my throat. My thoughts quickly retake the last few minutes, looking for anything that might have given me away but I come up empty as I spin and see Laurel standing in the doorframe.

"I didn't know you were there." My voice shakes as I say it.

"Didn't mean to startle you." She points to the ground where a laundry basket with some towels sit. "Thought I'd help look for something to clean the carpet with."

Would it be that devastating to say it now? To Laurel? She barely knows me. Maybe I could just say it and it wouldn't matter, it wouldn't bother her.