Becoming Brett

45. An Ally

James and I stay in the hallway long past the bell. But I'm not ready to leave him, to let go. We're silent, folded into each other and I'm trying to convince myself that the hurt that seems to touch every corner of my being is worth it. That this will all be worth it because now maybe I can slowly figure out who I am now that my secret is out.

The sound of someone opening a locker rings through the deserted hallway sending James and I jumping away from each other.

Panic grips me. The need to hide who I am overriding everything. We look too close, too intimate, too exactly what we are.

Maybe James understands because he too seems less than thrilled that it's Sawyer who's caught us.

"I'm just gonna go." James says, glancing from Sawyer back to me as he too adds space.

"Yeah." My voice is strained, giving away my distress. "I'll catch up in a minute."

I keep my eye trained on Sawyer, watching as he rifles through his open locker. He saw us, I know he did and I'm waiting for it.

Taking my time, my focus on the panic creeping through my veins, I fumble around in my locker even though I have everything I need already.

Just because I told my parents and Wes, does not mean I'm ready to tell anyone else. I'm not ready for the school to know. I'm not ready for the ridicule, the stares, the comments. I'm not sure I'll ever be ready.

What I am sure of though is, it'll start with Sawyer. And I want to know how bad it's going to be while it's just him and me in the deserted hallway.

His locker slams shut, metal sliding against metal with a distinct chime. I close my locker too, taking a deep breath even though it does nothing. And when I look down the uniform hallway, Sawyer's already heading over.

"Hey." He says calmly but I'm on guard already.

Tension ripples through my body, calling all my nerves and muscles to attention. I'm not sure whether it's fight or flight at this point but whatever it is, I'm ready.

"Hi." It comes out tight.

He leans against the lockers beside mine, looking across the hall to the other lockers. And I watch him. Closely. Trying to gauge what he's going to say or do.

He lets out a sigh, his brown eyes meeting mine. And then he laughs through his nose.

Here it is. This is it.

"You probably hate my guts huh?" He says, his gaze dropping to his shoes.

I don't hate him. But I sure as hell don't like him. I don't manage to clarify for him, my words seemingly lost somewhere in my throat.

"I swear Brett I had no idea he did that to himself." His head shakes, eyes meeting mine again and he looks like Sawyer. Like the Sawyer Wes and I were friends with when we were young. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"You stopped talking to us." The words tumble out of me, defiant and protective. "That's not on me. Or Wes."

For a second I think he's going to bite back. Everything about him growing still as he stares at me with calculating eyes. But then he shifts on his feet and his head bobs in agreement.

I'm not sure what he's waiting for. Why were standing here in the hallway, attempting a sad excuse of a conversation when it's clear we no longer have anything in common. But I find it hard to believe that Sawyer's not going to turn his focus on me. His image and need for attention is far more important than Wes. Definitely more than me.

But I can't quite bring myself to walk away. Maybe it's pride, maybe I'm just stubborn, but being the first to walk away feels like giving into Sawyer. And I've spent a lot of time the past few years giving into Sawyer. Not calling him out or standing up to him. Wes vetoed it. He's the better person out of the two of us.

"So what? You and James official now or something?" Sawyer asks.

Every hair on my body stands on end, a breath getting caught in my throat and I make this stifled grunt that ends up sounding more like a choke.

"What?" My head screams "deny!".

Sawyer laughs, "I wasn't sure if James was gay but you are. So what is it, you're out now?"

Blood drains from my face, the ground shifting below my feet as panic tears through me.

"W-what?"

His hand lands heavy of my shoulder, drawing my attention in a haze. I stare at his large hand, waiting for it to turn to something evil, something threatening. Something to punish me.

Nothing happens.

"Come on." Sawyer says. "You don't remember asking me why people say it's wrong for boys to kiss boys?"

My thoughts cloud over with a memory of a sandbox under the shade of a maple tree, plastic toys half buried, the sun peaking through the gaps in the leaves dotting the sand. Sawyer and I covered in sand as we built a castle for soldiers to destroy. His hair was shaggy, his front tooth still hadn't come in from where he busted out his baby tooth by taking a baseball to the face when we were five. We might have been eight.

My stomach turns.

"I-uh." I can't manage my thoughts.

"Do you remember what I said?" He asks.

I don't know. In fact up until he said something I didn't remember ever asking him. The memory had been buried so deep in my mind, I forgot that it even happened.

My head shakes on its own accord, I'm not sure I want know.

"Well I'm not sure exactly what I said." Amusement drips from his words. "But I think I called everyone idiots."

His fingers press into my shoulder, eyes meeting mine as he stoops a little to hold my gaze. The amusement falls from his face, a softness falling over his features until he looks less like a threat and more of an alley and I'm completely confused because this is Sawyer we're talking about. My best friends tormentor for the past three years.

"Love is love Brett." He tells me. "There's nothing wrong with you."

                            —————————

Alright so in Saving Laurel this was the moment that I revealed the name of the next book. I'm not doing that this time. Instead you get a peak at the cover, created by Rensk3N . And if you want to see the rest you can follow along on my Instagram @darling_be_rational where I'll be posting the cover over the next few days.