Limelight

Chapter Thirty-Seven

~~In Your Head~~

Xavier was in a good mood.

          This was a weird occurrence in itself, without all the stress he was under anyway, but when he called his mom this morning. She seemed to be in higher spirits after her second doctor's appointment whilst they discussed different treatment options. They weren't many, and they seemed to be damaging to other aspects of quality of life. Chemotherapy being at the top of said list. Yazmine tried to make light of it, by joking about not wanting to lose her hair, but Xavier could see it was hitting her hard. He knew she wasn't sleeping either. Some nights when he would sleep over at his mother's, and he'd crash on her couch, he'd watch her quietly as she got up to pour herself a drink, not noticing that he was still awake.

          She seemed a lot different to the side of her she showed in the day, the optimistic and usually lighthearted joking predisposition compared to this, sullen exhaustion, and sense of hopelessness she couldn't shake. And grief. Xavier realized that she was holding up that front for him, and it only made him feel worse. Even as she was sick, she was still responsible for him, even though all he wanted was to switch roles, take care of her for once, as she had done for him alone since he was born.

          He confided in Aaliyah about it, having no one else to talk to about it. She was the only one who knew about his mom, and if he was being honest the only one he thought he could be completely honest with, for no other reason than the fact that she was her.

          "You're asking for your mom to stop being your mom, Xavier," Aaliyah had said in a soft voice, smiling at him the way she always smiled when she found something amusing, "You can't switch off maternal instincts, no matter how much you want her too. And a mother always wants to be strong for their kids, because if they're not happy, then neither are their kids and all a mother wants is for their kids to be happy. I kind of admire that about Yazmine. I think all you can do is make sure that you're there for her in all the ways that count."

          He did find himself wondering how Aaliyah always knew just what to say. And how she seemed to be so smart. He remembered his mom telling her that he was always interested in girls smarter than he was. Xavier wasn't sure how she came to that conclusion, his track record of girls he went out with or fucked with didn't have an above-average intellect.

          But when he thought about it sometimes, he did feel more drawn to girls, who seemed to be more connected to the world, worldly, and intelligent, though he never pursued those girls, always feeling like they wouldn't be interested in someone portrayed as the bad prince of rap, known for some of the most outrageous events in social media history. Punching two cops in the face in twenty-sixteen, having his nudes leaked by an ex in twenty-seventeen, and a little performance mishap that happened last year when he punched an overly-excited fan before dashing off the stage mid-concert. He was arrested, but not charged for that incident, but it was the beginning of his year-long hiatus from the limelight.

          Aaliyah didn't seem to care though. Or know. She knew his track record wasn't spotless, but she still seemed to want to be around him. Sometimes texting him in the middle of the night when she couldn't sleep. Sometimes hanging out at his apartment for hours on end before she took a cab home. She also made sure to ask for his mom all the time too, which he appreciated. Keeping it to himself, was a lot harder than he thought it would be. Especially when he felt like he was ready to scream. Over the last two weeks, Aaliyah had gone along with Xavier to visit Yazmine a few times too, and the both of them would laugh together in the kitchen cooking, teasing a defenseless Xavier relentlessly.

          Aaliyah was easily his favorite person. But he wouldn't ever admit that to her.

          The only thing that actually annoyed him about her, was her tendency to minimize her own issues. She narrowly avoided most conversation about Jacks, claiming she was fine and that it wasn't anything serious anyway. She'd pretend like the social mill continuing to go on about the mess that was her album release party wasn't getting to her, or the fact that her father was somewhere in Atlanta living a life without her wasn't that deep to her at all.