Shiawase no Clover [khr fanfic]

Hello again

Hey, Everyone

It's been a while. I'm glad to see people actually still reading this. I just wrote this for fun cuz i had the time in college.

In case you're wondering why I haven't updated. It's been quite a hectic 2 years for me.

I graduated top of my class. Landed a job. Making money. Being all successful shit and turning myself to become my dad successor..

Sounds great.

But no its not.

I was perfect. No... trying to be perfect and pleased everyone.

I never complained cuz people who say back to me stuff like.

"Why are you being so ungrateful when you have better life than others?"

I couldn't say anything to that. So I kept quite for a long time.

... I don't know if you remember this but I constantly thought about killing myself and kept blaming myself for my flaws. When I couldn't get something right, I just want to stab myself and hope I die.. because of how useless and stupid I was.

When I was working for my dad company.

I felt my world becoming a tiny box.

It was suffocating. It was painful.

I quit drawing and writing.

My world just kept getting smaller and smaller. I just didn't understand anything anymore. My parents are religious asian so.. they wanted the best and doesn't believe in mental health issues.

Pray to God. Maybe I'll find peace.

I did.

I prayed and I prayed.

Something was dying in me.

I needed someone..

.... Maybe it was God plan for me to go see a doctor. He opened my heart to seek professional help... Give me the courage to help myself.

It was an eye opener.

Ironically. Being nice doesn't necessarily a good thing. They said I was too nice.. and did whatever people told me to. A good child. A good sister.. a good person.

But I didn't do anything for me.

Money. Grade. Time.. I give it to people but never asked anything back. I was too busy trying to perfect than I'm scared I'm not... even to the point hiding the fact i was suicidal enough to the point needing to seek therapy.

To put it simply, yeah. I was a pushover.

I give everything of me. They took everything of me.. I didn't have anything left. I didn't have anything for me...

Not even tears for myself.

I train myself to be efficient. Dad said sadness is just an emotion so I only allowed myself to cry only for 10 minutes.

I didn't realise I was turning myself into a puppet.

And my doctors made me realise how human I was. Humans make mistakes and human have feelings.. I deserve to be happy.

.. then I realised how right they were.

Everyone was too busy trying to shape me into whatever they wanted...

They don't care about what I want or what make me happy.

It was a heartbreaking realisation.

I confronted my father.

We talked.

He.. probably won't change much but we're trying to work things out.

My world was too small.

Filled with many.. many unkind people than good ones.

Classmates who constantly find a reason to hate me.

My 'friend' who told me to kill myself.

My entitled sister who constantly reminded me how ugly I am.

Father who won't acknowledge me unless I bring him a medal.

It was a toxic environment.

I know there's also some good people in my life but they're too mixed together with the bad seed. I can't understand who's who.

I was living in a tiny world. A closed mind and met too little people.

I needed to leave.

So I left.

To the land of kangaroos and koala on February 2020. Quite crazy decision to make when all the bushfire happening, but the study offer only lasted till then so I made my decision.

It was the best decision I made after deciding to seek therapy.

I want to see the world. Meet new people.. do stuff. And I did just that. The simple task of just walking around is so enjoyable.

I'm happier today.

... till the covid hits.

Yeah, I can't enjoy being in a foreign land much now my uni is out and being outside is a taboo now.

Well... it's a bit of obstacle.

But compared to before.

I know this will pass too.

I know where my happiness lies.

I know I can now say no to people and just give a middle finger to the jerks who treated me badly instead of looking down, haha.

Of course. It's not perfect.

Once I've completed my degree I've have to face the people who hurt me when i returned.. I still have lots of fear in my heart.

But compared to before... I will be me. Prioritising my happiness and becoming my own person.

And see where life takes me.

😌

Oh. Obviously you're wondering about new update.

I started writing and drawing again.

I will publish a new chapter soon.. but since i left this story for such a long time I already forgot what's happening and what the plot is.

I'll update as soon as the ideas and plot return to me once I re-read everything.

Thank you all for your support and love

❤