isolation [matty healy]

pt. 1: promise

author's note kind of

hello! so, like a lot of folks, i'm here to forget about my life in the form of fan fiction~ at the time i'm writing this i don't quite know what this is going to be yet so we'll just have to see.

pLeAsE feel free to drop comments! i love feedback and i love reading peoples' jokes.

but so yeah. the 1975 seem like cool dudes, and i think the little gremlin one is my favorite.
(matty seems like a super cool guy and i hope my little story does him any kind of justice. except in this universe he doesn't smoke pot lmao)

~Trigger warnings: mentions of suicide, negative self-talk, self-harm, alcohol, abuse, and possibly some light sexual content.~

don't forget to drink water, friends.

———————————

the beginning is a good place to start, i guess.

as everyone knows, march 2020 changed a lot of peoples' lives. in most places, everything was shut down, and everyone was told to stay home. i really feel for the people who were trapped in awful home situations; who still are.

on my end, it's now June 2020- and i've been in the midst of a prolonged anxiety attack, just waiting for the moment it would all become too much.

but, on a lighter note, i live with my best friend. she's a teacher; a great one. at the beginning of the year i had decided to go back to college, while making a decent amount of money being a freelance writer. initially, going to school part-time was a decision i made mostly so that i wouldn't want to end myself anymore.
but everything in the world was now a big, unavoidable mess. finally the outside matched the inside. and i hated it.

it's one thing to be depressed and struggle with trying not to isolate yourself, but then the people in charge of your state tell you that you have to self-isolate? torture. it's like being a powerless teenager again.

instead of being sent to my room, i'm 27 and stuck at home with the one person who sees through all of my bullshit. and i have the whole summer to talk about my feelings.

anyway, it's summertime. i'm carrie, my best friend is amanda. we live in a cozy 2 bedroom house in the middle of a small family neighborhood. at least, i think it's still a family neighborhood. i haven't really seen too many people out and about lately, the few times i've looked out my window. but that's probably my fault. today is the first time i'm actually going for a walk outside in several weeks.

amanda has tried to get me outside, but i'm kind of stubborn when i get in these depressive episodes. she's patient with me, and i love her for it. but today she was planning a facetime date with her boyfriend, derek, and i didn't want to be around for it (in the event that things took a turn for the sexual) because i had endured so many of their calls up to this point. so, outside time would have to do.

pepper spray in pocket, mask in pocket, and hand sanitizer in another pocket, i'm out the door at 6:30pm. i keep my headphone volume low; calming melodies swimming in my ears while i walk.

i glance at the neighbor's house, where i notice an unfamiliar parked car. it was none of my business but i was definitely curious as to who was there. our neighbors were known to rent their house out as an air bnb when they left for vacations, so that seemed to be logical, but i thought it was a little weird to do it in the middle of a pandemic. i guess if you can get away, get away, though.

i kept walking on, making my way into the slightly secluded wooded area of our neighborhood that leads to a beautiful pond, and walking trail. my legs were already starting to cramp uncomfortably, most likely because they hadn't been used properly in several months. but i kept walking.

i was immediately soothed as i got closer to the water. the sounds from the small fountain, birds confidently singing and chirping, noisy bugs landing on my skin freely. that was starting to get annoying. but i still wanted to enjoy the moment so i could keep the memory stored in my brain even after i'd gotten back in my house.

i sat down in the grass near the water, and let myself relax into the moment. i let my mind wander into anything inspired by the sounds around me, and stopped thinking about how much time was going by. everything was serene, calming, and peaceful. i could feel my head starting to empty.

and then i heard a branch snap.

the peace was gone.
with my pepper spray already in hand, i turned around with my arm raised, to see two guys walking past me on the actual trail. they weren't even so much as looking in my direction.
i wanted to put my arm down in embarrassment, but they still hadn't looked my way. i kept it about halfway up, because trust men? in this economy? no thanks.

one of the guys was exceptionally tall, and the other was about medium height. light brown hair on the tall guy, and dark curly hair on the other. they were talking pretty animatedly, the shorter guy using his hands a lot, as they wound their way through the path between the trees, but i couldn't make out anything they were saying. they both were wearing masks and sunglasses, like they were some celebrities who didn't want to be recognized. though, i wonder if we all kind of looked like that now.

by then i realized it was about 8:15 and the sun was getting ready to go down. the heat was starting to get to me; even without the sun out it was still in the 90s. i quickly put my mask on, and continued watching them walk away with my suspicious, squinted eyes. i wish i wasn't so anxious.

once they were far enough down the path for me to feel safe, i looked around the whole park again, and took out my phone. amanda had texted saying that her date was wrapping up. so i stood up, stretching my legs and shaking out the new pains in my back and numb ass, and headed home. pepper spray still in hand.

——————————

"how was your walk?" amanda asked me when i got in the door.

"it was lovely until some guys walked by," i said, rolling my eyes. "but i was fine. they stayed away from me. how was your date? is derek keeping it in his pants?"

she laughed and said, "not really. he told me he wants to try phone sex."

i busted out laughing and said, "more power to you, i guess, but please make sure i'm not in the house when that happens."

we chatted a little bit more, i avoided things i didn't want to talk about in the moment, and eventually i made my way upstairs to get ready for bed. after i showered i put on a playlist and started digging through my clothes to see what i wanted to wear tomorrow. i had been fluctuating between letting myself decide the morning of what i was going to wear that day, or deciding the night before. having some kind of routine helps me a lot, even if i'm not going anywhere but downstairs.

amanda always lets me know if my music is too loud, so i made sure my phone's ringer was on in case she texted me. we usually hang out at night and talk before falling asleep, but tonight i was kinda okay with being alone with my thoughts. it can be a dangerous line to walk, but there i was.

i was absent-mindly singing along with the music while floating around my bedroom. i was in an okay mood.
i was so absorbed in the songs that i hadn't realized i had taken out at least 10 shirts to pair with one or two pairs of shorts. i rolled my eyes at myself and put everything into a big pile on my desk chair. i would deal with it tomorrow, because what else was i going to do?

after that at some point i decided to dig through my top desk drawers and take out some of my old high school journals. i read through some of them as the night wore on, and well, that didn't go well. i ended up in a dark headspace, remembering things from my past that were only going to harm me. what am i doing to myself?

"and now we're just outside of town-" my speakers cut through the noise in my head again and i was removed from the dark moment. i threw the journal away from myself, turned my music down, and crawled into my bed. when my head hit the pillow i realized i had been crying.

i eventually passed out, and made a silent promise to do better tomorrow.