isolation [matty healy]

pt. 12: forward

matty and i had said goodnight to each other, but i had the feeling i wouldn't be able to sleep for awhile that night.

there was just too much going on, and even though i was way too anxious to sleep, i was also too exhausted to get up and do anything productive. so i was stuck in limbo, having moved from my bed to the couch downstairs, now covered with my comforter, weighted blanket, and several of my pillows. i tried laying down, i tried sitting up, and i eventually settled into some weird position that was not doing anything good for my spine.

let's sort this mess out, since you're awake. i really didn't want to think, but i couldn't turn it off.
this waiting feels familiar, doesn't it?
maybe it wasn't a coincidence that julie was at the get-together. maybe she was a reminder to open the letter-

"oh-fucking-kay," i said out loud to myself. "i'm not going to think about this. these thoughts are not based on anything rational." i leaned forward and grabbed the remote control from the coffee table, turning on netflix immediately. i selected the first thing that popped up, which was The Office, and felt myself relax back into my blankets. ah, this is sure to numb my mind.

a few minutes went by, and i could feel myself getting closer to falling asleep. but then i realized it was the episode where pam finds out that she is pregnant, and my heart dropped.

i immediately jumped off of the couch, and ran into the downstairs bathroom, kneeling over the toilet just in time to vomit into it. inside my head i heard blaring sirens; clanging bells; high-pitched screaming. the nightmarish memories came back so forcefully that there was nothing i could do to evade them.
hands gripping the side of the bowl, i continued to puke just about everything i had managed to eat in the last few days. what a waste.
shut the fuck up. you did this to me.
no, he did this. we just remembered it.

when my stomach was finally empty, i flushed the toilet and fell back against the wall, sobbing. here i was again, sitting on the bathroom floor, crying. roughly the same position i had been in almost 2 years prior.
i pulled my knees against my chest and started rocking myself back and forth, willing myself to calm down.
i knew that calling matty was a bad move, and he and george had enough on their plates. it was pointless to call amanda because she and derek could sleep through a tornado alarm. i was in this alone.

alone, yet again.

getting frustrated, i stood up and leaned forward against the sink. i didn't want to look at myself in the mirror, so i just turned on the faucet and splashed cold water on my face. that helped me to stop crying. i kept doing it, and drank some of the water to soothe my now aching throat. i was more calm, but i still felt sick.
i knew what i wanted to do, but i didn't want to have to tell anybody about it afterward, so instead i took my clothes off and got into the shower, without waiting for the water to heat up.

i swore until the water was warm, and then i just stood under the shower head until i couldn't feel the heat on my skin anymore. even after all this time, i can still feel him on my skin.

i stayed in the shower for a long time. i wanted to throw up again, but i had nothing left. after awhile i got out slowly, wrapping myself in a towel from the day before, and walked slowly upstairs to my bedroom to find clothes. at this point, the sun was starting to come up. i peeked through my bedroom window, and saw matty parking he and george's car in front of the neighbor's house. i wanted to be with him so badly, i burst into tears. but i was sure he wanted to get some sleep.

i managed to get some clothes on. i couldn't bother with a bra, but i grabbed a baggy shirt and some comfortable shorts. before going back downstairs i looked at myself in the mirror, and sighed.
things have to get better. they just have to.