isolation [matty healy]

pt. 9: turmoil

with a neck cramp and a numb arm, i was finally starting to wake up.

i remembered all at once the past few days of my life and the moments leading up to me falling asleep on the couch, and sat up. i still felt exhausted, but it had little to do with the quality of my sleep. the range of emotions i'd felt this week had really taken the energy out of me.

amanda and i had had our fair share of drama, but nothing in recent times came close to how i'd felt yesterday when talking to matty. i've always had a predisposition for getting attached to people quickly, but with guys, it always ended up being so unnecessarily complicated.
this was quite a strange and unique set of circumstances, of course, but matty was a guy nonetheless.
a funny, intelligent, adorable, hazel-eyed, curly-haired guy.

while i was thinking, and continuing on with an inner-monologue, i peeled myself off the navy blue couch, and headed upstairs to shower. my thoughts raced back and forth, trying to forget something i seemed to have already decided for myself, but i couldn't avoid it once it had burst through to the front of my thoughts again.
i'm going to tell matty what happened to me. if he cares to hear it.

i turned on the faucet in the shower, and began undressing, giving the water a few minutes to heat up. once it was warm enough i stepped in and let myself be soothed. i looked down at my arms, lathering a bar of soap and rubbing suds on the imprints the couch had left in my skin.

i was multi-tasking; doing shower things while being deep in thought.
in the short amount of time we had gotten to know each other, matty was already comfortable enough to open up to me about things that were so personal and painful, such as the ending of his relationship. we hadn't really talked about his relapse, or his sobriety, but that was a conversation i wanted to be there for. i wanted to be there for him.

i shook my head while i worked the shampoo in my hair into a lather. for someone who is terrified to be vulnerable, you sure are set on making yourself vulnerable, huh?

and so my stubborn brain and heart had decided. i would lay it all out on the table. maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but if we were going to be friends, and i was gonna get a grip on my own confusing feelings, i wanted to tell him about my past.

———————

i had checked my phone a few times since i had woken up, but matty hadn't texted me anything, which i really appreciated. in the past when i've asked for space, i've gotten completely ignored, but matty was proving again what a good friend he could be to me.

i had been in the kitchen for awhile cleaning up whatever drops of paint i had missed from the night before, then panicking when i discovered spilled paint water in the carpet. i spent the better part of an hour on my hands and knees scrubbing furiously at the spots, and they eventually faded. i was stoked i wouldn't have to drag out our heavy steam cleaner.
once that was all taken care of, i made myself something to eat, swallowed my nerves, and stepped into the backyard.

i couldn't hear anything from george and matty on the other side of the fence, so i just closed the door behind me and got comfortable on the patio furniture. i went about eating my food and browsing pinterest and twitter.

after a little while i really started to wonder about them, and i decided to look on their instagram profiles. neither of them had posted any new content since the beginning of june, so i quickly gave up. it's been awhile now, i thought, maybe they're just really committed to giving me space? or maybe they packed up and left because they realized i'm out of my mind.

overthinking and starting to overheat, i gathered my plate and cup and headed back inside my house.

after washing my dishes, i looked in the driveway of matty and george's house, and sure enough, their car was gone. i knew it. i scared them away. they don't want anything to do with me.