isolation [matty healy]

pt. 16: stories

~trigger warning~

please read

(this is gonna be the hardest chapter to write, and read. abuse is part of carrie's story, but i don't take things like this lightly. i've been through my own stuff, and i have close friends who are also victims. i just want to shed some light on the possibility of hope and healing through cathartic storytelling.
this is in no way intended to romanticize or glorify assault, abuse, or addiction of any kind. this story exists to glorify friendship, healing, and peace.)

**EDIT (August 11th, 2021- i have made the decision to remove a large chunk of what was the original re-telling of this character's trauma. Even though i have given warnings, stated my intentions, and even experienced some amount of catharsis in writing this out, it's no longer worth it to me to have so much horrible stuff in this little story.)

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"when i was in elementary school, i had a friend named nate." i had found the words to begin telling the story, and matty was sitting quietly, with his hands resting in his lap. i continued.

"he was quiet, and shy, and most kids didn't want anything to do with him. one day on the playground, i approached him and asked if he wanted to play. we were 7, so of course he said yes. after that we were kind of inseparable. in middle school, he was still shy. i had been bullied as well, but i was atleast able to make a few good friends. i always invited nate to hang out with us, but he would often decline my offers, opting instead to stay by himself. when we got older he told me he was insecure about his appearance, and it made him feel better to sit alone with his drawings. by the time we were getting into high school, he lost some baby weight, his skin cleared up, and he got contacts. instead of sitting in the corner of the room drawing by himself, he was now front and center in big groups of people, becoming publicly known as the goofy and charismatic guy i always knew him to be in private.
i wasn't brave enough to tell him, but i had had feelings for nate since middle school. i didn't know how to tell him; when i asked my girl friends for advice they just told me i could do better than him. so i never acted on any feelings.
in our senior year of high school, i met amanda, and we were instantly best friends. for awhile, nate seemed to be jealous, but he never created problems with her. the three of us ended up spending quite a bit of time together toward the end of our senior year, and one time, amanda finally confided in me that she didn't like nate.
'i know you've known him since you were kids, but he's kind of a dick sometimes,' she had told me. but i couldn't hear it. i was too in love with him, at that point.
once high school ended, he moved to colorado for school, and we were away from each other for a few years. it was hard on me at first, but after he moved, we didn't have much contact, and i became closer with amanda and a few other friends. she met derek, and i had gone on a lot of dates, but nothing ever went any further. i tend to hold a torch for guys when i really like them," i paused, taking a deep breath.

"in the past few years, i've been in and out of school and jobs. family life hasn't always been the best, and as an only child, my friends became my sisters and brothers. and at the end of 2017, i was at a new year's eve party, hosted by julie at her parents' house. the girl from amanda and derek's cookout." matty nodded, remembering, and i continued.

"when i had gotten to the new year's party and introduced myself, julie already seemed to not like me. i remember talking to amanda about that. 'did i do something wrong?' amanda was assuring me i hadn't done anything wrong, and that was when i saw him. nate had walked in the front door, and stopped in his tracks the instant he saw me. i remember that he ignored julie when she went over to hug him, and i laughed to myself.
i remember him passing her and running up to hug me with this big smile on his face. i was so excited to see him, and we ended up sitting and talking for hours that night, catching up.
by the time midnight was approaching, nate and i had moved to sit upstairs in julie's parents' house, in this big media room they had. the door was closed. we had gone up there, alone, because the party was getting loud and we couldn't hear each other."
i was starting to shake a little bit, and matty offered to hold my hands. instead, moving my blanket over my legs, i huddled up close to him, and let him wrap his arm around me.