isolation [matty healy]

pt. 7: goodnight

my eyes were red and puffy as hell from crying, but i didn't have the time to care. i slid my mask over my face as i reached the front door of my house, and stepped out onto my front porch.
looking around, i saw a few people on the street doing yard work, jogging, or just simply sitting outside so that they weren't trapped inside.

i took another deep breath, and began walking to my neighbor's house. i was trembling, but i was confident in what i was going to say when i saw matty, and that motivated me to keep walking. once the front door was in sight i tried to make out any shadows through the windows on either side of the door, but i knew it didn't matter. i gave my shoulders a little shake to loosen them up, and then i knocked.

taking a few steps back, i planted myself firmly on the sidewalk, determined to have this out at a safe distance.

after a few seconds, i heard the doorknob turning and the door opened, revealing a very disheveled matty healy. he wasn't wearing a mask, but that's probably because he wasn't anticipating seeing another human.
i blinked a few times; my confidence faltering for a moment. i could tell that he was surprised to see me, but he wasn't trying to jump into conversation with me. i could also tell that he had been crying as well.

i cleared my throat and said, "i just want to say my piece. you don't have to listen, but i would appreciate it if you did, since you got to speak your mind freely earlier." he nodded at me quickly, closing the door behind himself and taking a step forward.

i took a small step back, trying to maintain distance.

"i'm not totally sure what happened on your end of things, and i appreciate that you tried to apologize to me, but you need to know that a text message is not gonna cut it," i paused and looked up at him; he nodded to let me know he was listening, and i continued. "i don't feel that i said anything remotely offensive to you or george, so i therefore don't understand why you reacted that way to me, but you should know that you triggered me into a panic-attack. you came totally out of nowhere and i wasn't ready for it at all," i started to lose some steam as i was speaking, because he had started crying again. i could tell he wanted to say something in response, so i gestured for him to speak.

he said, "carrie... i am sorry. to say i'm mortified about how i spoke to you would be an understatement," he sniffled and cleared his throat. "the only explanation i can offer is that i was feeling frustrated with george because of a previous conversation, and i just was being a dick because i felt like you guys were getting on so well and leaving me out of it. and then when you talked about not wanting to come over, it just hurt my feelings, and i don't know why. you weren't slagging us off, and i know that, but it just felt like rejection in the moment. i know that saying i'm in a bad place isn't an excuse. i wish any amount of explaining was enough, but i know it isn't. i shouldn't have ever spoken to you that way and i'm so sorry. please forgive me."

he was still wiping a few tears off of his face, and i observed him while he finished speaking. i was making an assessment of how much i believed in what he was saying, and in that moment i felt that i could trust in his explanation and apology. but now that he had spoken i was ready to finish saying what i wanted to say.

"thank you for apologizing," i said, "and explaining where your head was at. i know you're going through a hard time, george told me as much. but like, we all are. i'm really, really sensitive," i hesitated, "especially when it comes to the topic of being alone with men. i... probably don't need to lay out every detail for you. i wasn't just upset because you sounded like a jerk. it's much deeper, and complicated than that. you said it's hard to get me to open up to you and there's a reason for that. several reasons. and some of those reasons are why i can't be alone with you and george anytime soon," i paused again, giving my words a moment to sink in. "amanda reminded me not to get caught up in the excitement of hanging out with you guys because she's the person who picked up all the pieces of me after someone shattered me. i've been taken advantage of. in a lot of ways. and i can't just let you talk to me however you feel like, and let you waltz into my life, just because of who you are."