isolation [matty healy]

pt. 15: stormy, vol. 2

a few more days went by, and matty remained the highlight.

we did the simple things, like grocery shopping and playing board games, but he made everything feel like a special event.

seeing him healthy, seeing him get back to being himself- it was refreshing, and energizing. i was feeling more like myself too, and with the more time that went by, the more i felt confident that our friendship would be lasting.

in the days after we first visited each other's homes, we got updates from george and marie. the funeral was strange, but heartfelt, and marie's family was grateful for george's presence, even though he was keeping a responsible distance. even though he had gotten tested and was negative, he followed every rule and precaution to the t. marie was endlessly grateful to have george by her side; she described him as her personal ray of sunshine- there to illuminate her own gloomy corner of the world. i knew right away that i liked marie.

amanda was continuing to encourage me to tell matty my story, and matty was waiting patiently. but i wasn't in any rush. i wanted the conversation to come naturally; not in a short-lived emotional outburst as so many of our previous heavy conversations had happened.

one day, matty and i were walking to my spot at the pond, and we decided to adventure along the walking trails together.
in some spots, the grassy areas were getting a bit overgrown, thriving despite the heat. matty kept up a near-constant stream of complaints about the mosquitos, but it was otherwise peaceful.

"dunno how you deal with it," he muttered, shaking his head.

"would you like some mosquito spray?" i offered. "i can run back to my house to get it if you want."

"no, that's okay," he replied, "without them i would have nothing to be negative about. the last few days have been so nice," he said, sending me a smile.

i sent him a shy smile in return, brushing his forearm with my hand. in the days previous, matty had attempted to hold my hand while we were watching a movie on the couch, and i got so overwhelmed that i jumped up, exclaiming, "gotta pee!" and sprinted to my bathroom upstairs, despite the downstairs bathroom being only a few steps away. he was being so patient with me, and while i had made it clear i wasn't in a place to do anything physical with him, i was truly okay with the idea of holding hands.

in fact, the day before he tried to hold my hand, i had tried to hold his. during a moment after we had finished painting together, we were standing side-by-side in his kitchen, admiring each others' work, and i scooted closer to him. but i was so awkward about it that he didn't realize what i was trying to do until i chickened out, quickly moving back to where i was originally standing.

physical touch was difficult for me. on one hand i had the natural inclination to be close with him, multiple levels of desire overlapping each other. but on the other, i was so terrified of giving him anything he could lord over me. i wasn't ready to be vulnerable with him, in that way. and i wasn't sure what it would take for me to get there. but for now, i decided, i could manage to hold his hand.

winding our way down one of the longer trails in our neighborhood, we were joking and laughing; i was picking flowers and attempting to stick them in his curls, we were bumping into each other again and again, when finally, in the same moment, we slid our hands into each other's. i wanted to say something, to acknowledge it, but we just looked at each other wordlessly for a moment, and that was enough. we stopped walking, and the world seemed to stop with us.
if i were anybody else, it would've been the perfect, cinematic moment for a first kiss.

but then a distant crack of thunder echoed, and the world was moving again.
and then we were moving.
we quickly turned around back in the direction of our houses, trying to stay dry under the cover of trees while the rain started to fall. the gravel was crunching beneath our feet as we quickened our pace, never releasing each other's hands.