isolation [matty healy]

pt. 5: open

surrounded by books, blankets, and pillows on the floor in my living room, i was comfortable in the nest i had created for myself. i had been sitting for awhile, reading through my beat-up copy of dracula while editing a blog for work, as the bad weather picked up. i couldn't stop myself from sighing in frustration every time i looked outside or heard a crack of thunder.

the day had gone by surprisingly fast while texting matty most of the time, which was really exciting for me. he shared a lot about his experiences with touring, talking all about the band, music in general, books he's been reading, and movies he's been watching this year, and little stories from he and george's recent road trip. he sent me random pictures that he had taken or stupid memes he had found, and i laughed so much.
i was relating to him, jumping in every now and again and sharing some surface-level interests, and i even decided at one point to talk about amanda, and how much her friendship means to me, but i was admittedly having a hard time being as open as he was being about his life.

part of it was insecurity; that he would inevitably see me as the bland and uninteresting person that i am, and the other part was pure fear. terror. the never-ceasing chant in the back of my mind: men cannot be trusted.

i was really putting way too much pressure on myself, and i knew it. i was safe in my own house. if things ended up going south with these guys, like, really worst-case-scenario shit, i could pack up my car and leave. no big deal. but the thing was... i didn't want things to go south at all. i really wanted the chance to be able to be friends with matty and george. with the wild times we were living in, i didn't want to deny myself even the smallest amount of human interaction, no matter how strange the circumstances.
in the midst of these thoughts, my phone buzzed.

matty: wanna know something fucked up?
carrie: of course.
matty: earlier this afternoon i blew up at george for absolutely no reason. and he's already forgiven me. he just gave me a hug.

i put my hand over my heart, feeling so emotional as i read his text, frowning and trying to quickly think of what to respond with.

matty: i don't deserve him.
carrie: if he's anything like amanda (which i really think he is) he loves you unconditionally. that's a friend for life right there

he took a few minutes to respond, and i started to wonder if i had offended him, but then he replied.

matty: georganda

i blinked a few times and then laughed out loud. i should've made that joke, i thought.

carrie: see! quarantine is doing wonders for creativity :)
matty: :) have you made anything while you've been trapped over there? i'd love to see or hear it.

my heart started pounding again as my thoughts raced back and forth. should i show him some of my stuff?? i mean, i know he asked. but should i?

carrie: hang on. wanna facetime?

less than 10 seconds later he was facetiming me, and i answered as i was jogging up my stairs.

"hello!" i said, looking at him quickly on the screen, and then going back to watching my feet so i wouldn't trip up the stairs.

"getting a workout in, are you?" he smirked at me, carrying his phone with him to sit down at his house. i couldn't tell if he was on a bed or a couch, and i had to look away again as i hopped up the last few steps.

"well, i figured if i was going to embarrass myself in front of you i might as well do it over facetime so i can at least get a genuine reaction."

"what makes you think i'll be genuine?" he challenged.