Shackles of Melancholia (Completed)

Chapter 37

Path

"Lagi kong sinasabi sa kanya na sabihin niya ang lahat sa akin. He told me about his past,"

"That's not basically him Astra."

"A-alam ko... lagi kaming nag-aaway Lus. Kahit sa maliliit na bagay lang, pero siya ang laging humihingi ng tawad. One time... he told me he love me, sa totoo lang ilang segundo ako naniwala... but I also have issues, pinag-awayan din namin iyon. Sa maniwala ka o hindi pinaniwala ko ang sarili ko na si Axon talaga ang future ko." Kumuha ako ng buhangin at nilaro sa aking kamay. The neutral breeze caress us gently, my hair is flowing like a river because of it.

Mahihina lang ang daluyong ng mga alon. Naalala ko noong mga araw tumatakas pa ako kay Mama makapunta lang dito. I feel like I need this paradise in my life. Kasi tuwing nandito ako, naaalala ko ang sarili ko, naaalala ko iyong kahalagahan ko. My dreams, my goals, my dreams, my dreams and my dreams again. It's only my dreams. The dreams that scattered by stealair. I wonder if I became a bank teller in a bank, a successful accountant, paano kung nagtratrabaho ako ngayon sa ibang bansa? I did experienced to be a Secretary, but that's just a fleeting moment. Almost like a dream.

I did earn money in an easy way yet disgusting way. Pero sinong may paki iyon kung nabibili mo 'yong gusto mo. Iba 'yong ngiti ni Mama sa tuwing may maiuuwi akong pera. Sinong may pakialam n'on, kung may inuuwian akong pamilya at komportableng tahanan. Ako. Ako lang ang may pakialam n'on kasi ako lang yung nadudurog.

Guilt do consumes me. My silent panic attacks, my whispering nightmares, the cold sadness behind me, my calmed demons and my shackled melancholia. All in one in this human being named Astra.

"I want them roaring," I told Lus.

"What?" he asked in utter confusion.

Itinuro ko ang dagat, dito lang nakadirekta ang tingin ko.

"The sea... I always want them roaring. Kung nandito ako, lagi ako ditong naka-upo kapag gabi. Mas malakas kasi iyong mg daluyong, madilim at malamig. Nakasando nga lang ako para maramdaman ko, not that I'm suicidal or what. I love the sea when it's in pure rage, I love them when it almost destruct the lighthouse. I want them lightning and thundering." Yumuko ako dahil nagtataka ako kung bakit gusto ko ang mga iyon, and I also answered my own question,

"Because that's what I feel. And they're my voice, angrily ranting me for what I have done."

Hindi ko alam kung nasasaktan ako sa ginawa ni Axon o nasasaktan ako para sa sarili ko. I told you that I love dreaming about my nightmares, because I'm hopeful that it can numb me. Fortunately, it did. And unfortunately another motherfucker wave will hit.

"What's your dream Astra?"

"To be happy,"

"That's so simple."

"So simple that I can't even afford."

"I didn't say it's expensive. Happiness is a choice."

Lumingon ako sa kanya. His grey eyes are in warm mode.

"Happiness is a choice. What if there is no a choice?"

Humiga si Lus sa inilatag naming tela. Ginawa niyang unan ang kanyang mga kamay.

"There's always a choice. Because it's a choice."

Humiga rin ako sa tabi niya, hindi nakasisinag ang araw dahil maaga pa naman... pero masakit pa rin.

Choose to be happy. That's how life works. Choose. To. Be. Happy.

Hours turned to days turned into weeks. Si Lus ang naging kaagapay ko. Kung aatakihin ako ng lungkot, he is there. Kung aatakihin man ako ng bangungot, naroon siya.