Undaunted

Six

Thursday, November 5, 2020

2am

Matteo Antonio Cappello.

That annoying son of a bitch is making me want to rip my head off. I haven't seen anyone's face apart from his since the night of the party and he's stopped talking to me entirely which makes it even worse. It's getting to the point where I'd be completely okay with it if all he did was call me names and tell me how much of a nuisance I am, but he's not even doing that, he's just not speaking.

Mica and Bri haven't come by at all, but I don't blame them. Afterall, I did try to leave knowing I could get them into deep shit, but truly, what did they expect? I mean, I'm not here because I want to be. I literally cannot leave, did they think I'd just be okay with this? Did they think I'd be complacent with the little bit of "freedom" I had been given? Funny.

I hate it. I hated it before and I hate it even more now. At least then I wasn't completely bored. At least then I wasn't completely alone. I've been sleeping half the day away every day and it's not even a peaceful sleep. It's the kind of sleep that you have to toss and turn to even get to. The kind of sleep that has you coming in and out every half hour because you're not even tired. So now, I'm lying awake at 2am trying to figure out how to fix things with Matteo, at least a little bit.

I'm not the only one awake right now. I can hear him rummaging through the dishes in the kitchen, this isn't the first time. It happens a few times a week and it wakes me up everytime. He makes a fuck ton of noise and is super inconsiderate about it. In all hoesnty I could kill him for it, its really fucking annoying. I turned on the tv and flipped through netflix, I'm watching TVD with Bri so I can't watch that alone. I finished rewatching ELITE yesterday so 'Stranger Things' it is. I've already watched the show twice from beginning to end but there's a new season coming out and it never hurts to refresh my memory.

Two episodes later and Matteo finally stopped making noise. I don't know how he stays awake so late when he has to wake up so early for work. I'll talk to him about everything tomorrow, I want to see what I can work out in terms of building bridges. This is a miserable situation and he's put us both in a horrible position, but it's not like he treats me poorly.

'It truly is the bare fucking minimum but hes only threated my life twice so how bad of a guy can he really be.' I thought to myself, somehow managing to sound sarcastic even in my own head. Given that I have no idea how long I'll be stuck here and no one wants to tell me jack shit it's probably in my best interest to make friends in some way shape or form. He's just so cold, how do you even begin to create a connection with someone who won't even tell you why the fuck you're stuck with them?

I watched another two episodes and didn't even realize I had stayed up for most of the night until I noticed the sun rising outside my window, sunrise and sunset are my favorite times of day, the sky never looks more beautiful. It's 6:30am and if that says anything, it is that I need to go the fuck to sleep.

2 pm

Good morning New York.

Afternoon, it's 2 in the afternoon.

I need coffee and something to do. I did what I do every morning, I took my sweet ass time getting out of bed and then pulled on a pair of shorts and walked to the kitchen. I made coffee, 24oz to be exact but who's gonna stop me? Is it possible to overdose on caffeine? I think if it was I would've accidentally done it already. I ran back up to my room and continued on from where I left off on 'Stranger Things' last night, but no matter how hard I tried to focus I couldn't stop my brain from wandering.

I need to talk to Matteo about everything but he's at work and doesn't get home for a few more hours. The more I think about it, the more I know I have to do it. Isolation isn't good for someone like me, when you have BPD you already tend to have to fight against isolating yourself but he's isolating me by force. The only people that I was actually enjoying interacting with aren't coming over anymore and it's going to slowly start taking a toll on me. I've been in therapy for years so I know how to cope with a lot of the things I struggle with but that doesn't mean I should be testing my limits. I don't wanna have to bare my soul to him like that, seeing as I know nothing about him, but if it gets to that point that I guess I'll have to. That'll be my secret weapon.