Loving Rago Ken Marquez

Chapter 33

Rago's tailing me while going to our daughter's room upstairs, besides mine. Tumigil ako sa tapat ng pinto ni Keniya at binuksan iyon. I saw how his eyes roamed inside.

Its wall is painted with pastel pink. Toys are perfectly arranged by her. A pink little study table on the side with her favorite books. I sat on her bed and fixed the comforter, making her move.

"Mommy..."

Bahagyang bumukas ang mga mata niya at tumutok iyon sa akin. She held my hand and intertwined our fingers like what she always do.

"I'm here, love." hinalikan ko ang ulo niya.

I looked back at Rago only to find out that he's in tears. Sumandal siya sa pader at sinapo ang mukha habang tahimik na umiiyak. Nang makitang nakapikit na ulit si Kenny ay nilapitan ko si Rago.

"Hey.." mahina kong sabi at niyakap siya. He buried his face on my neck and I can feel his tears there. Nanginginig ang mga balikat niya habang humihikbi sa balikat ko.

"Mommy, why are you hugging him?"

Tumigil ako sa pagtapik ng likod niya at napalingon ulit ako sa anak ko. She's wide awake and curiously looking at us! Binitawan ko si Rago at kinuha si Kenny mula sa kama, karga kargang bumalik ako sa  harap ni Rago.

"Tito Rago? Why are you crying po?" she reached for his face and wiped the tears on his cheeks.

Rago held Kenny's hand and pressed it more on his face while looking at her with a sad smile. "I'm sorry." he whispered.

Kenny innocently stares at him, "Bakit po kayo nagso-sorry?"

"Keniya." she looks at me. "Do you remember what mommy told you when your birthday comes?"

Matagal niya akong tinignan bago tumango.

"Do you want to see mommy's gift now?"

"He's here?"

She started to wiggle. Nang ma-ibaba ko ay agad siyang tumakbo papalabas ng kwarto niya na agad kong sinundan. Bumaba din siya sa hagdan at nilibot ang paningin sa buong sala. Nang makitang sila daddy lang ang nandoon ay nilingon niya ako.

"Where, mommy?" she's crying now. "Tito Clyf!" tumakbo siya papunta kay kuya na nasa sofa. "Did you see d-daddy? D-did he left me a-again?"

He wipes Kenny's tears, "He didn't so stop crying."

Humihikbing lumapit sa akin si Kenny, lumuhod ako para pumantay sa kanya. Her eyes and nose are already swollen because of crying.

"Anak, Kenny, you want to see daddy, right?" inayos ko ang ilang hibla ng buhok niya. "Look behind me."

Pareho kaming lumingon sa likod ko. Rago's standing there with tears.

"Can d-daddy have a h-hug?" nakangiti niyang sabi pero hindi naman abot sa mata.

Our daughter run as fast as she can towards him. Agad siyang kinarga ni Rago at niyakap ng mahigpit. Tumayo ako mula sa pagkakaluhod habang nakatingin sa kanila na magkayakap.

I hid this from the two of them.

Yumakap ako kay mommy na lumapit sa akin. "You only did what you think is right, baby. Don't blame yourself."

How can I not blame myself if I took this away from them? Ang karapatan ni Rago na maging ama sa anak niya at ang karapatan ng anak namin na makilala ang sarili niyang ama.

The result of my selfishness– my fear.

"ARE YOU ok?"

I drank from the vodka bottle again before shaking my head. He sigh and sat beside the high stool next to me.

"We're sorry for interfering." kinuha niya ang bote ng rum na kasama ang dalawang bote ng vodka na wala ng laman na nasa harap namin at kinuha ang isang shot glass na nasa gilid niya.

Tinignan ko ang bote na hawak hawak, "Why do I feel so guilty, kuya?" mahina akong natawa. "Nagui-guilty ako sa ginawa ko sa mag-ama. I took that away from them." nagsimula muling uminit ang gilid ng aking mga mata. "Ngayon, natatakot ako na baka pati 'yung anak ko kamuhian ako dahil sa ginawang pagtago ko sa kanya." uminom ako sa bote.

"Kenny will understand you if you tell her your reason. Hindi naman mahirap pa-intindihin yung anak mo."

Lumuluhang nilingon ko si kuya, "Alam ko naman 'yon. Kuya.. kasi... naunahan lang naman ako ng takot e. T-takot.. na baka ayawan niya yung anak namin. Na baka mas piliin niya yung fiance niya kaysa sa'min." umiling ako. "Ni hindi ko nga alam kung may namamagitan sa amin."

"Don't you trust me?"

Naramdaman ko ang pagtayo ni kuya, "I will take this with me." he kissed my head. "You two should talk. Goodnight, sis."

My brother walk out from the kitchen bringing the bottle of rum and shot glass with him. I once drank from the bottle again, until there's nothing inside.

Agad akong napahawak sa bar counter top nang tumayo ako para kumuha ulit ng isa pang bote, naramdaman ko rin ang pagpulupot ng braso sa aking baywang.

"Enough already."

I walk–more like swaying towards the bottle of liquors, "Let go of me."

He did not answer but carried me back to the stool I was sitting on earlier. I averted my eyes because he was trying to catch my gaze.

"Look at me."

Umiling ako, "I can't."

"Why?"

I turned down and looked at my fingers playing with each other. He frustratedly sighed.

"Do I have to say please for you to look at me?"

Kagat ang labi na nag angat ako ng tingin sa kanya, "I'm sorry." I cried again. "I'm so sorry."

He just stood right in front of me, saying nothing, looking at me. I leaned my head against his chest while crying, muttering apologies. Nang humina na ang aking pag-iyak ay saka niya ako masuyong niyakap at hinagod ang aking buhok.

"Are you ok now?"

I was stunned by his question. Isn't he angry?

"You're not mad?"

He put his chin on the top of my head, "Should I be?" he asked as well. "Honestly, I wanted to be mad. It is as if you have deprived me, my right, to our child for four whole years. Even though I want to be angry with you, I don't think I can." he laughed softly. "Right, how can I be? My anger always melts when it comes to you."

"Please, don't run away again. Kung dati ay hinayaan lang kita, ngayon hinding hindi na. Now that you're not the only one I will chase, it will be easier for me to get you." he seriously looked down at me. "You will be more easily tied to me, Sariya."

Napatitig ako sa seryuso niyang mukha habang parang hinahabol ang puso ko dahil sa bilis ng tibok nito. Please don't make me assume things again.