Time Heals

Hope

It's cold. I think to myself, looking down at untamed waves. I'm afraid. Thoughts keep running in my mind in infinite circles. Am I ready for this? Do I really want this?

I am fed up with this cruel world, that's a fact that I really can't deny, but am I ready to part it? I am young and I have a life ahead of me, but it doesn't feel like it. It feels like every day I live gives me more reasons to go.

There I am standing on a very high cliff on a dreadfully cold December early morning. I must say the view is outstanding. It is the view you'd wish would be the last your eyes ever fall on. This place has always been like that for me. It has been my safe haven for a while, but my demons would always follow me here.

For a moment, I let go of all the strings attaching me to the main reason I'm here. I just enjoy what I behold, something I haven't done in quite a while. For a split second, I feel something I fear to feel. Hope.

Hope is something I fear greatly. You know when you have all these pink thoughts in your mind, or these very high hopes that eventually let you down? Apparently, all my life has been like that. You might have had 'one of those days', however, my whole life had been nothing but those days. I hope for the best and life fails me, oh so miserably.

This, of course, makes you wonder why I am getting that least bit of hope right now. Looking at the dancing waves below me and feeling the chill breeze against my skin at this very moment makes me believe that somehow, someway, life isn't all that bad, just the people I've been dealing with ever since I've opened my eyes to the world.

It's the breathtaking sight before my eyes that makes me rethink the whole suicide concept. It's funny actually, coming here to die and leaving holding on to life more than before. I get into my little black car and drive back home. I knew I would cower away, just like the times before.

My parents are barely ever there, but of course that has not stopped them from making my life a living hell whenever they were actually present. Their business lives has been taking over their time with us. It has always affected me in the worst way possible. I always craved my parents' presence.

Unfortunately, they have blessed me and my younger sister, Annie, with their precious presence for the past couple of weeks. One of the reasons why I was exhausted from enduring my life and thought of ending it this morning. It's like they remember we exist after so long. So long that it makes me feel like it isn't even worth the wait.

"Carmen, it that you?" my mother appears near the front door and watches my every move cautiously as I close it behind me.

"Yeah" I mumble annoyed. For some reason my mom's presence startles me. She's never around and I'm not used to her sticking around for long and when she does I feel highly uncomfortable and uneasy.

"Where have you been?!" she raises her voice slightly disapprovingly and places her hands on her hips.

"Out" I snap. She has no right to confront me. I think to myself. Does she really believe she can disappear whenever she wants and walk back into my life and take control over it? I take a step forward but my mother blocks my way.

"Clearly. Bother to tell me where exactly?" she asks as if she were a real parent. You know, one who actually cares?

"Sure. I'll tell you. But first you must tell me where have you been for the past 17 years of my life" I respond, words dripping hate as they fall out of my mouth. That shut her up. I glare at her fearlessly for a moment but still she did not answer and is still looking at me, with a shocked expression wearing her perfect face. I walk past her brushing my shoulder against hers and rush to my bedroom.