If he only had a choice

Lost boy, broken man

Dracos POV:

I didn't dare to look at her face before I left, how could I be so foolish?why did I kiss her, I can never like her I can never let her in.Im too dangerous, I'm too fucked up...I'm broken.Nothing can fix me now all this is is a distraction, false happiness,she means nothing to me and I mean nothing to her and that's how it always will be. As long as the dark lord lives I must fulfil my fate and die to save my family,maybe even the wizarding world.

I shouldn't have stormed out of there but I couldn't bare to have another conversation with her.Shes too innocent too fragile, she has no idea what darkness there is around her and as long as I stay away from her she will stay that way.

She will remain silent in the safety of the shadows and I will remain a death eater, a coward, afraid to defy Voldemort in the fear of my mother's life. I wish I could just curse myself and die but that would be seen as a betrayal to Voldemort and he would kill me in an instant, so for now I have to live, I have to survive.i have to protect the ones I love, just until he is defeated.god. If he wins... I'll be stuck like this forever.Perhaps I'll be too broken and numb to even feel pain,maybe I'll stop flinching every time I'm forced to watch an innocent die, maybe I'll be able to do it myself?after all I've been raised to do this, to fulfil this purpose, to be an evil monster.If he wins..then all this torment all these years of manipulation from my father will have been just to simply become monsters,villains, cowards.But maybe it's too late to win, I'm too far gone,there's too much to heal and no time to heal it.And no point in healing.

I'll never speak to her again, I won't even look at her.It will kill me but I will act as if she never existed. In order to protect her from me.Its the only way.

I sit down in my dorm and find myself sobbing. hot , angry tears followed by ones of defeat and exhaustion.I look in the mirror for the first time in months. I look like a monster now, my eyes a deep grey with a dead glisten, my face paler then ever with hints of blue around my jawline and cheekbones. My face is sunken in I look so weak.The years of neglect and abuse has finally caught up to me. My face reads pain and nothing else.I no longer recognise myself? Who is this person staring back at me? They no longer have the same spirit the same energy.The boy I once was has left, and he will never be able to return.

why am I even crying!? This is stupid she's just a stupid girl! A potter! Why does she make me feel like this, I barely even know her and yet I find myself craving her attention , craving her warmth against my cool skin.I want her hopeful green eyes to look up at me and tell me it's not my fault, to tell me she understands. But she hates me she knows who I truly am a fucking coward.I hate her. I hate her because she makes me feel so out of control. I can never go near her again I fear what I'll do, I can't control myself around her anymore.I can't.

It's been a few days since the /incident/ with Lo-Potter I mean.Ive managed to avoid her completely.Ive changed my classes completely just to avoid her, on the odd occasion she would be walking the halls when I was I managed to quickly apparate out to the astronomy tower. I can think there, compose myself, talk to my self like my own best friends while watching those below like Ron Hermoine and Harry having fun in the autumn leaves,fools they are.Distractions don't help anything but give false hope for happiness.

It doesn't hurt anymore, hiding from her. Knowing the reasoning behind it reassures me. I'm doing this for her.Okay me too, but I can't have any distractions right now, not when I've got the weight of the entire dark lords army on my shoulders, waiting for my mission to be completed.After this I won't have to avoid her, she will avoid me.She may even kill me and I'll finally be at peace, not with myself but from the expectations of my world.