Endless Appetite

Lone Wolf

Neither the chat with Alec nor with Clary helped Simon much. He was still confused, always thinking of Jace like there was nothing else in his life anymore. And he hated it. As much as he could, he tried to find another output for his emotions, sitting in front of his keyboard all day long or taking his guitar if he thought the sound would fit better. The distraction worked quite well, though it wasn't perfect. Also going to the cinema was a nice change to his routine.

When he was too annoyed by himself he even went out for walks, embracing the possibilities he had now again as he was a daylighter. He had already somewhat made his piece with never being able to see a sunrise or sunset again, let alone the world during the day and now he was back to 'normal'. As 'normal' as he could be as a vampire.

But of course not just Clary was good in keeping his thoughts from wandering off – at least most of the time. Maia came over every once in a while or he went to the Hunter's Moon when it was her shift. And though he gave his best, she couldn't stop herself to notice the weird behavior of her boyfriend. Something was going on with him and she didn't really understand what it was. Of course she knew that something must have happened inside the institute. Otherwise Simon wouldn't be a daylighter now. But she didn't know any details and Simon tried his best to keep it a secret. On the one hand she understood, as it was better to not let everyone know about the circumstances, but then again... She was his girlfriend. He could at least talk to her about it.

With the decision to talk to him, Maia went to his apartment the next free day. She knocked at his door which was opened right after.

"Maia? What Are you doing here? Oh, no. Did I forget about any date we planned?"

She laughed softly and hugged Simon. "Don't worry. I just wanted to see you."

"Oh, okay. Great! I was just writing a new song and-"

"Like you do everyday. Simon..." She closed the door and took his hand in her own. "What's going on?"

Searching for excuses wouldn't make any sense, so he gave in and started telling Maia about what happened. Or at least that there had been a situation in which he had been forced to drink Jace's blood. When she heard what exactly was going on with Simon and what he was feeling and thinking the jealousy couldn't be ignored.

"Do you like him?"

"What?"

"The question isn't hard to understand, is it?" Maia looked at him, eyes narrowed and repeated her question again. "Do you like him?"

"He's still that stubborn, reckless and arrogant idiot he always was."

"And that's no answer"

"I... respect him. That's it." Simon finally somewhat answered.

Maia wasn't really happy with that answer but she accepted it. Simon looked to confused to now make something up or telling her any lies. He wasn't like that anyway.

"So what do you plan on doing now?" She wanted to know but Simon also didn't have an answer to this.

"I don't know. What should I do? Is there anything I can do?"

"Well, sitting here all day distracting yourself from whatever is no option. Do you want to go on like that forever?"

"No, just until... I mean... I talked to Clary about that and-" Simon tried to explain but was interrupted by his girlfriend.

"Of course you did. Who else knows about this? Who did you talk to before talking with me?"

The vampire sighed, looked to the ground and felt ashamed. He should have talked to Maia about this before. She was his girlfriend, and still... he kept it a secret all the time.

"Alec. But only because he asked me about Jace."

She crossed her arms in front of her chest, but said nothing about the fact anymore, that she was obviously the last one to know about it.

"So, any advice on that?" Simon now asked. Maybe she had an idea about what to do next and how he should deal with it.

"Not really. I mean, I don't know what's going on inside of you. I guess the most important thing is to find out what this fuzz is all about. If it's really just his blood or... if there's more going on and-"

"More? You mean like wanting to date him?"

"That's exactly what I meant"

"Well... no. I don't think you really get that. His blood has done something to me and I neither understand it, nor can I really compensate all the things that are going on inside of me. If I would have liked him, I would have liked him before. But it's not like that. It's his blood!" Simon insisted. "Can't you even listen to me? This is hard for me, okay? I don't even know myself anymore!"

"I don't know you, either. The way you're talking to me, or just not talking at all... Even Alec knowing about you before me-"
"It was about Jace!" Simon snapped and Maia took a step back.

"Simon..."

But Simon couldn't really hold back anymore.

"You know? This is why I didn't want to tell you in the first place? To avoid this situation? You came here to rebuke me without even listening? It's all about you at the moment and I understand it must be hard for you, that I locked myself in here, not really talking to you but this really is a lot right now and I have no idea what is happening with me and I can't live my life as I did before because everything is going crazy!"

Maia shook her head, couldn't believe what she just heard. "I came here to help you! But all you say is that everyone else is obviously more trustworthy than your girlfriend, Simon. If you're sure about what you really want, whom you really want... call me. But I just... No."

With that Maia left his apartment, leaving Simon behind alone, with all his thoughts and the guilt now growing in him. He was angry about Maia, of course, but more than that he was angry with himself. And Jace, although he also was so grateful. After all he was the reason for him being a daylighter. But with this costs, he didn't know if it really was a gift anymore.

It was pulling him down, something he just didn't know. He always tried to be positive, find the good things in life, but this was impossible right now. He just couldn't be positive. And he had no idea how to fix this.