Endless Appetite

Regrets

"Simon... stop..."

Simon could hear the soft words of the Shadowhunter in his ears even after he was long gone. The rich smell of blood and Jace himself was still lingering in the air and the taste of his blood just didn't disappear.

What had he done? Why didn't he have more control? He was so angry with himself. And yet, his body felt good. More than just good, though his head told him to not feel good about drinking his blood.

The vampire didn't even get why Jace had felt the urge to provoke him and make him angry. But also... why had he not fought back? Jace hadn't shown any sign of not wanting this. He hadn't shoved him away, he hadn't used his dagger that had still been in his hand and also... why had he cut himself with the dagger in the first place? Had he actually wanted that?

No. No, there was no way a Shadowhunter – especially Jace Herondale – would let a vampire bite him.

"I would have killed you"

"I would have let you"

Okay, maybe there was. But that had been a completely different situation. Simon had been dying. And drinking from Jace had been the only way to save him. This moment in his apartment was something else.

Jace's hand had been in his hair, holding him tight and... for a moment it had been like he had pulled him even closer to his neck. No. That wasn't possible. His head already made things up. He had of course tried to pull him away, right?

"Simon... stop..."

Again those words repeated in his ears. There had been nothing more than these two words and Simon had stepped back without hesitating. He had heard Jace's heartbeat going slower his grip in his hair weaken. But still the other hadn't fought back. And it had only needed these words to stop the vampire who didn't just drink but had completely lost control. It shouldn't have been that easy.

When he had moved away from Jace his eyes had darted to his neck where the last drops of blood left the bite marks and without even thinking he'd let his thumb wipe them away. He had licked the blood off his finger, his eyes now locked with Jace's.

The Shadowhunter had been standing there, panting but with a soft and... longing expression. Something he had never seen on him before. He looked so vulnerable...

"Jace... I-I'm sorry."
"Don't be."

Simon still didn't understand the whole situation. Jace had left right after those words. He hadn't been angry nor had he blamed him for what had happened. He... just had accepted it and had left instantly, leaving Simon alone with his thoughts.

Here he was now, standing in the middle of the room, where this had happened. He shook his head to himself. Something wasn't right. Not with him and especially not with Jace. Alec would probably kill him if he found out. Wait. Alec. Did he know? Could he feel something like that? Could he feel the pain Jace must have felt when he bit him? Panic grew in him. What if he really knew? He wouldn't just ignore it, would he?

What should he do? Talk to someone? But who would be able to help him with this situation? No one understood it. Not even Simon himself so there was no way anyone else-... wait. Magnus. Maybe Magnus could help. He basically knew everything. At least in Simon's opinion. Maybe he had an idea about what was going on?

Still, telling yet another person about him and his feelings also didn't sound like a good plan. Maybe he should have kept everything to himself. Maybe that would have been better. It was something he alone had to deal with. But seeing Alec so desperate and worried... He just had to tell him. And Clary... she was his best friend. Of course she needed to know and... she had realized herself that something was also weird about Jace.

Simon ran his hand through his hair. Okay, calm down, Lewis. But even those words he said to himself didn't really help with any of this. And nothing would help him to deal with his guilt. He looked around, searching for a distraction – without success. There was nothing he actually wanted to do right now besides understanding the situation.

His thoughts wandered off again, back to Jace's Parabatai. What if Alec really knew? What if he had felt it? Simon couldn't avoid another talk with him, right? He needed to explain himself somehow. Because sooner or later Alec would find out. Keeping secrets had never been a good idea. Maybe this was the right way, going to him and telling him about what happened.

Although he still wasn't sure if this was the right choice, Simon left his apartment, hurrying to the institute. He was scared of Alec's reaction. What would happen? What would he say? Would he... lock him up in the basement? He really didn't want to be there.

As he arrived at his destination Raj was the guard at the entrance. Great.

"Go away, daylighter"

"I need to talk to Alec" Simon insisted

"Won't happen"

"Really? This is important. If I don't tell Alec I..." He stopped himself from talking too much. This was none of Raj's business.

"You need to have an appointment to see the head of the institute"

"I... what? Okay, this is stupid. I'll call Clary now..."

It didn't even take a minute until Alec was standing in the door, his eyes narrowed.

"Come in, Simon" He said before turning to Raj. "It don't know what's your problem. But if he tells you he wants to talk to me, you let him in. Understood?"

Raj was obviously not happy with that. He clenched his fists and murmured a quiet "Understood."

While following Alec through the institute to his office Simon looked around, sniffed. Was Jace back? But it didn't seem like that. Had he been so fast that Jace had not made it before him? Or did he go somewhere else anyway?

He shook his head. Why did he even care?

When they were in the office Alec's professional expression was wiped away instantly.

"We need to talk."