My Journal or Whatever

Hi

Well if you chose to click then hello there. But most likely nobody's gonna read this.

Honestly I have no clue what to write about, I just feel empty right now. Like, completely alone even though I have family and friends and all that. This is really frustrating, I can't put what I'm thinking into words. It's just that I feel lost. There are so many things that just came crashing down on me all of a sudden.

I realized I'm really insecure

I haven't been able to feel anything negative for months, which was nice at first, but all my emotions are starting to pile up

It's quite possible I have anxiety

I don't know if anxiety and social anxiety are the same but I am starting to dislike people and social situations a lot more than I used to

I don't want to say I might have depression, but honestly there are times I just feel so numb and disconnected from everything

My parents are great people, but when you put them in a room together they always find something to argue about. My sister and I have been stuck in a house with them since March

I'm scared that I'm not a good enough sibling

Recently I discovered the term non binary, which is making me question everything. But I honestly just feel disconnected from myself as a person

If I am non binary, I'll have to come out to everyone. I know my friends and sister will accept me, it's my parents I'm worried about

Overall I just really want to cry

I just don't even know anymore. It could just be because I'm a teenager. But I really don't think that's the issue. I feel like I can't ask for help because I'd be a burden. Things cost money, and my family doesn't really have a hidden savings account or whatever for mental health.

I just feel alone. I know I've said that already, but it's like, as I've grown up, my parents always made all the big choices. I'm incredibly indecisive. So now that I'm trying to sort out my thoughts, feelings, and identity, I feel lost.

And it really fucking sucks.

I don't know who I am. It's really scary when you think about it. To the world, my identity is a happy, awkward, innocent, caring girl who tries to help wherever she can, even though she's incredibly lazy at times (that sounded so narcissistic). And I've just gone with it, playing the part with no complaints, letting everyone do what they wanted to.

I've always followed everyone else's lead, never putting much effort into making myself be truly heard. That's what I've done my entire life. And now I'm questioning everything.

It's like there's two options:

The first is to just continue playing the part until I inevitably snap.

The other is to start over completely. Wipe the slate clean and give myself a new identity.

The second one sounds terrifying.

Anyways uhh, this is getting long. I'll stop here for now, but not sure when I'll update.

See you later.

Love,
AJ 🧡🖤💚

PS: I've been wanting to try out a new name for a few weeks and thought I'd start here. Also, I'd like to try using they/them pronouns, just to try them out. Love you guys!